What we can't have
by particularlygoodfinders
Summary: AU Sirius raises raises Harry to be a bit of a womanizer but what happens one classmate - Ginny Weasley - refuses his advances? How did this even happen? Before she got hot she was totally into me, right Hermione?
1. Noon Thirty

A/N: This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic ever. I've always like fics that explore the idea of Harry being more confident, the easiest way to make this happen is to have him raised by Sirius. I also wanted to use the time-tested formula of a miss-timed romance. With this information in mind you should know that the intention is for this to be a pretty long story. The plot arc I have planned out right now goes through Harry's 3rd year, at least.

Also, the world and characters that fill it are, of course, the intellectual property of JK Rowling.

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Harry stretched as he slowly came awake. The clock to his left read noon thirty. He threw on some shorts and a shirt and walked to the kitchen of Number Twelve, Grimauld Place.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company at this early hour, dearest Harry?" asked a very disheveled-looking Sirius Black.

"Just thought I'd get up early for the eventful day we have ahead of us, dearest Sirius."

"I'm out in my auror robes defending your freedom all week and you decide to plan an eventful day on the first day of my weekend? You're heartless."

"You do realize that I leave for Hogwarts tomorrow, right?"

"Of course I know that, Harry! You're one of my favorite godsons, easily in the top three, in fact, and you think I would forget when your first day at Hogwarts is? Absurd!"

"Top 3? I'm pretty sure I'm your only godson, Sirius. And yes, I do think you would forget the day of my departure."

"Sure, you're the only godson I know about, but what if I've got a whole litter of illegitimate godchildren I don't yet know about? One of them could be way better than you and then when I met him or her I would have to remove your most-favored godchild status; talk about egg on my face. That would just be embarrassing for all parties involved, and I know you wouldn't want that. Further, I find it patently offensive that you think I haven't been counting down the days until I get to ship you off to school and get you out of my hair"

"I wouldn't be surprised to find out there was a small army of little half-Siriuses running around England, in fact, every time I see a kid with wild black hair it makes me wonder, but I doubt many people are lining up to make you godfather to their children."

"I don't know what you're on about. Your father clearly thought I was top notch godfather material,"

"He wasn't the best judge of character. Sure, he was friends with Remus but he also thought it expedient to be friends with you and Peter. For all the things he clearly must have done right, given that I share half his genes, and am totally awesome, he just wasn't the best and choose his mates."

"So who were you planning on taking you to Diagon Alley? Certainly not me after those most grievous statements of disrespect."

"That won't work. You see, I know that you can't contain your excitement to set loose the first of the next generation of marauders on Hogwarts."

"Too right you are, Harry. When shall we depart?"

"Right after I get a shower and eat some breakfast, err, lunch. You smell like you might want to consider doing the same... showering that is." Harry suggested.

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An hour later they arrived in front of Madam Malkin's with a small "pop."

"Why don't you get your school robes while I go run some errands." Sirius said.

"And, just so we're clear, by 'run some errands' you mean 'go hit on some women,' right?"

"Right you are. I'd invite you to come along but having a kid only helped pick up chicks when you were cute, sorry, mate."

"We'll see who the cute one is when I break your record for most fellow students snogged."

"You're on."

And, with a hand shake, the two went their separate ways.

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"Hello dear. With you a minute." madam Malkin said, running her magical measuring tape along another boy.

"You're Harry Potter." the other boy stated, his voice not betraying a hint of emotion.

"Yes, yes I am, indeed. I'm always happy to meet a fan." Harry said, cheerily, as he casually brushed his hair aside to further reveal the scar on his forehead.

"Do you know who I am?" the other boy asked, indignantly.

"Let's see, pale complexion, blonde mullet, and the trappings of old wealth. Could you be a Malfoy, perhaps?"

"I'm Draco Malfoy, and don't think that mere fame will let you get away with talking like like that to a Malfoy"

Madam Malkin, whether she was actually done taking Draco's measurements or not, saw this as an ideal time to head to the back of the store.

"You do realize that the Potters and the Blacks were both fairly well-off pureblood families, too, right? Plus, I'm such a badass that when Voldemort tried to kill me _he _died. I don't think you're in a position to tell me how I can talk."

"It's not a threat, Potter, I'm simply pointing out that it might be wise for you to put more consideration into the company you keep."

"Good advice, no doubt, but I think you and I might disagree on what sort of company is worth keeping."

Madam Malkin returned and handed Draco his robes before she began her work measuring Harry.

"See you around school, then, Draco!" Harry said with a false tone of friendliness as Draco paid the assistant at the counter and left the store, but not before shooting a quick glare in Harry's direction.

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With new robes in hand Harry walked along Diagon Alley and saw Sirius just in time to catch him sealing the deal for a date next Friday with a cute blonde number that looked, at most, 15 years Harry's senior. When she'd left Harry walked up and said with a chuckle.

"Robbing the cradle, are we?"

"I can assure you that she's a VERY mature 23-year-old, Harry."

"Well, she looked mature in all the areas you care about, anyways." Harry observed.

"She's more mature that any girl you've dated!" Sirius whined.

"I'm 11 and I've never dated anyone."

"That's entirely not the point. If we get some ice cream will you shut up?"

"It's worth a shot."

And so they began wading through the busy streets of Diagon Alley toward Fortescue's ice cream shop.

As they arrived a gaggle of redheads were exiting.

"Sirius!," the eldest of the redheaded men called out.

"Uh, hello..." Sirius started.

"Arthur, Arthur Weasley" the man informed him. "I'm down in the office of muggle artifacts so we don't really see each other but the tales were going around the office last week about bust you guys made up in Newcastle."

"Just part of the job." Sirius replied with a smile that clearly betrayed this rare attempt at humility.

"Yes, well it sounds like you did well. Say, would this young lad to your side happen to be Harry Potter?" Mr. Weasley said, suddenly noticing the raver-haired boy who had been watching on, amused.

"The one and only." Harry responded. At this the youngest Weasley's eyes got big and she somehow managed to choke a little on her ice cream.

"Oh, dear, he has eyes just like his mother but he looks just like his father, doesn't he? I'm Molly, Arthur's wife. Is Harry starting Hogwarts this year?"

"Yes, we were just out getting his supplies, actually." Sirius answered.

"As were we, this is actually little Ron's first year at Hogwarts, too." Molly said with a motion to a boy Harry's age. "And we've got to get all the older boys' things, as well. Where are your manners? You kids should introduce yourselves."

"I'm George" "and I'm Fred" the twins said with a wave.

"I'm Percy, I've been made the Gryffendor prefect this year."

"Good thing you told him, Perce" "Yeah, he might not have noticed the prefect badge you saw fit to wear to Diagon alley" Fred and George said.

"Now boys, we're all very proud to have another prefect in the family."  
"Right" Fred and George said together.

Harry turned his attention to the only Weasley who had not introduced herself, she was staring rather intently at her feet. After a moment she looked up a little startled, not quite meeting Harry's eye.

"Oh! I'm, uh, Ginny. Weasley. My name is actually Ginevra, but everyone just calls me Ginny." She blushed and then looked back at her feet.

"Uh, right. I'm Harry. Potter. But some people just call me the boy who lived." Harry said with a bit of a laugh. Fred, George, and Ron laughed, too. Ginny didn't. This didn't seem to bother Harry much.

"Excellent! You've made some new friends, Harry! I've got some errands to run, want to finish getting your supplies with them?"

"Uh-"

"Excellent! I'll meet you back here in, let's say, an hour and a half? Oh, and I should probably give you the rest of your school money. Buy everything you new need to be a true Marauder."

Sirius dropped a small pouch of galleons in Harry's hand and walked away as Ron stared at the pouch enviously.

"I guess we'd better head to Flourish and Blott's, then" Mrs. Weasley said as she looked at Harry with some unrest. Mrs. Weasley was happy to have to boy who lived with her but she didn't exactly approve of Sirius' antics and, though she was a few years his senior, she had heard of the Marauders' antics at Hogwarts even in their early years. The fact that Harry and sort of poked fun at her only daughter a few minutes prior seemed to confirm her suspicions about Sirius' parenting abilities. She wasn't going to tell Harry Potter – THE Harry Potter – he couldn't accompany her kids to get school supplies, though. Besides, he already seems to be getting along just fine with Fred and George.

"So Harry" "Your uncle used a curious term to describe his aspirations for you at Hogwarts" George, and then Fred, said.

"You mean a marauder?"

"Yes" they said in unison.

"Uh, yeah, that was what he and my father and their friends called themselves. They each had nicknames, too. Sirius was Padfoot. He said I get a nickname, too, once I start at Hogwarts."

Harry noticed the twins seemed to stop listening and start communicating using some sort of non-verbal twin-speak as soon as he had mentioned Padfoot. This was almost frightening.

"We're in." They said at last.

"What?"

"We want to be marauders." "We think that when you find out a little more about our great feats of daring and wit you will agree." "In fact, we have already obtained an artifact from these marauders you speak of, but I'm afraid we can't show this to you until we have proof that you are truly up to no good."

"You just went from asking to join my club to giving me stipulations."

"Well the stipulations are about the map, not the club, these are two separate issues entirely." "Though we think this could be tremendous use to said club, it's certainly been of great use to us." "Right you are, Fred." "I'm George." "No, I'm George." "Right."

There was something odd about these two, Harry thought. Odd was not at all derogatory in Harry's mind, however, quite the opposite, really. Harry saw great potential and was pretty sure he's just found his first two fellow marauders.

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Buying books was fairly uneventful for most people if you don't count the more studious of the muggle-born first years amazed that so many tomes on the subjects of magic existed. When it was time to pay, despite his pompous facade, Harry actually felt a little guilty as he bought new books while all the Weasley children held their heavily used copies. After the twins' offer outside the ice cream parlor they didn't seem to be interested in talking to Harry so much as observing him to decide if he met up to their exacting standards of what a Marauder ought to be. He wasn't sure if they were joining the Marauders or if he would be the one joining, now. He couldn't figure out whether or not they approved by eavesdropping, either. The twins were each so in tune with what the other was thinking that you'd think they were legillimens.

_Actually, that's a pretty good theory. _Harry thought to himself. When the twins laughed to themselves right after his thought it was a little unsettling.

Given that those two were previously disposed Harry decided to strike up a conversation with Ron, instead, as the family made their way to their last stop: the apothecary.

"First year at Hogwarts, too, eh?" Harry inquired.

"Yeah. What house do you think you'll get in? I'm going to Gryffindor for sure. That's where everyone else in the family went."

"Well, both my parents were in Gryffindor and Sirius, my godfather, was, too. Besides all that I'm pretty much the bravest person I know so I don't think there's much of a question that I'll be in Gryffindor." Harry said with a grin.

"Unfortunately for us, the prefect for Gryffindor is a real git from what I've been told. I heard-"

Ron's sentence was truncated by a swift whack to the back of the head by Molly just as they arrived at the store.

In the store Ron was passing on all the wild stories the twins had told him about Hogwarts, like how you were sorted into houses by fighting a dragon. Harry was quite sure you just put on a talking, singing hat but Ron seemed too heavily invested in the dragon theory for Harry to break the news to him. When Ron finally paused for a breath Harry told him about the shenanigans his Godfather and company had pulled off at the school. This brought up the subject of the marauders.

"They sound like Fred and George" Ron informed him.

"Funny you should mention that, they actually already asked me to be in the next generation of marauders. They even said they own something that belonged to the marauders."

"Wouldn't surprise me, they know everything about Hogwarts. Last year mum sent them a screamer after she got word that someone had set off fireworks in Filch's office. They never got caught for that one, though."

"I admire the skill required for that but you have to admit that's not the cleverest prank you've ever heard of. It lacks a certain creativity that I feel the marauders had."

"I'm pretty sure that much of their most ingenious work is never discovered. I think mum has actually mentioned the marauders before, though, and I don't think she approved. She seemed to think of them as bullies."

"To be fair, that's probably not entirely untrue. I happen to know they had a bit of a grudge against one Severus Snape."

"Our potions instructor?" Ron said, shocked.

"Well, that's the name on the list of ingredients we're buying, and how many S. Snapes can there be?"

"Not more than one, I hope. Fred and George said he's vicious."

"Exactly. I get the feeling that he probably did something to the earn the bullying he got from the Marauders. Sirius always called him 'the greasy git.' In fact, I bet he's gonna flip when he hears he's one of m professors"

"Probably." Ron agreed.

With that they rang up their purchases and left the store, just in time to see Sirius chatting up another, rather attractive, 20-something.

"Does Sirius have a daughter?" Ron asked.

"You mean the girl he's talking to? Never seen her before. My guess is that she's Saturday."

"Saturday?" Ron asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"Well the top aurors usually just work Monday through Friday, he tries to have a date for each night of the weekend, usually, and he already found Friday when I was getting my robes, so I'm betting this one is Saturday."

Ron had a look of either awe or disbelief on his face. Probably both.

Harry added "You know he was a bit of a legend at Hogwarts, too. I thought he might have made it up, give that he is occasionally prone to exaggerations but Remus backed him up. He figures he snogged half the girls in his year by the end of his first year and half the girls in the school by the end of 3rd year. He set the bar high but I think I've got a pretty good shot at beating him."

"You've got some competition, mate. Fred and George said that Hufflepuff's chaser, Cedric, is pretty popular with the ladies."

"I'm not really worried. Lots of girls have a thing for going out with famous people. I'll just show them this" Harry said, pulling his hair aside to further reveal the lightening bolt scar on his forehead, "and they'll melt."

"If I didn't have a sister I might not believe you but I happen to know exactly what you're talking about, I grew up with Ginny. Can you believe she would always ask mum and dad to tell her fairy tales about you when she was younger? I think she might even have a poster of you in her room. It's kind of creepy now that I've met you, really. Now that I think about it, I'm really surprised that she didn't ask you a barrage of questions when she met you. In fact, she's not even this quiet normally."

Sirius walked up at that moment, leaving Ron to shift his ideas about what could make Ginny so quiet into his thoughts.

"Get everything you need, Harry?"

"Yup."

"Well I guess we'd better get heading home. Thanks for watching him for me" He said, shaking the hands of Arthur and Molly. "I'm sure those two will be the pride of Gryffindor in no time" he added, with a nod in Ron and Harry's direction. Harry joined Sirius' side and waved at the Weasleys as they disappeared with a small "pop."

"That Sirius Black is in no shape to be raising a kid. Did you see how young that girl he was chatting up was?" Molly said with a disapproving sigh. As the Weasleys began making their way back to the Leaky Cauldron Ginny snapped back to normal and starting talking to Ron about quidditch. She didn't understand the confused look on his face when she started talking to him.

"So that little ginger looked like she was into you." Sirius commented to Harry.

"Uh, Ron's a guy, Sirius."

"I was talking about his sister, Harry." He said with some indignance.

"First and foremost, she's 10, Sirius. Secondly, she's not even very attractive. I'm frankly offended you think I'm going to lower my standards so far, so soon. I haven't even given Hogwarts a shot, yet."

"Ah, I know Harry. Just hoping I could get you tied up with a girlfriend to slow you down at Hogwarts."

"Someone sounds a little scared about loosing their status as the most wanted man of Hogwarts. Plus, having a girlfriend never slowed you down."

"I'm not scared, Harry, just cautious. And you're right, having a girlfriend never did slow me down but your dad always had his pesky 'morals' and the like, I'm banking on that being genetic."

"I don't think you're going to get that lucky." Harry said with a grin.


	2. Platform Nine and Three Marauders

A/N: You may notice this story is very dialogue-heavy, that's because I think in dialogue and because there hasn't been any action to take place yet. This creates a problem in that there are a finite number of synonyms for "Harry said."

Sunday started in a rush at number 12, Grimauld Place. Sirius and Harry both told their alarms to snooze a few too many times and now they were scrambling to get to platform 9 and ¾ before the Hogwarts Express departed. Harry shoved his trunk down the stairs and Sirius shrunk down to a pocket-sized version of its former self. Harry had just enough time to grab toast before they vacated the house with a "pop." They arrived at the station just as the Weasley twins were walking through the connection to the muggle side of King's Cross. Next came Percy, then Ron, then a frumpy girl with bushy hair, and finally Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. After each Weasley got a hug goodbye from their parents the twins spotted Harry and waved him over. He moved to join them once Sirius had restored Harry's trunk to its usual size and they each said their goodbyes.

"Let's a find a cabin, then." Fred said when Harry arrived.

"Don't have to worry about finding one with space enough for Prefect Percy, too busy doing VERY important prefect business in the prefect compartment." George said.

"Oh, and don't forget to tell Harry that Prefect Percy is a Prefect, now." Fred added.

"Right you are, Fred, but we've probably gotta find one with room for Ron's new girlfriend."

It was at this moment that Ron and the bushy-haired girl arrived.

"Hey Harry!" Ron said enthusiastically as Harry waved back.

"So your girlfriend will joining us the in the Marauder cabin?"

The jovial look Ron had been sporting was replaced by one much more hostile.

"This is Hermione, she's a first-year muggle-born so she didn't know how to get to the platform and mum and dad asked me to show her how. She is definitely NOT my girlfriend, I've known her for about 2 minutes." Ron said in a huff.

"I try not to get into the habit of getting into relationships with rude and inconsiderate people so no, Ron is not my boyfriend." Hermione confirmed.

"Right. Well, hello, Hermione. My name is Harry Potter. I'm kind of a big deal in the wizarding world."

"You're THE Harry Potter? I've read about you in books! I've never met someone from a book before, this is pretty exciting actually."  
"I get that a lot."

"I hate to interrupt this meet and greet but it might be a good idea to get on the train"

"Right you are, George" Fred said.

After a bit of a search, due to their late arrival, the kids finally found an empty compartment to stake a claim to. Once inside the twins looked at each other for a moment and then looked at Harry.

"We've been thinking." "About the marauders." "And we think you're probably worthy of the title." "Because, even though we haven't really seen you in action and, for all we know, you could be utter shite at coming up with pranks there's stuff Harry Potter can get away with that we, frankly, cannot" Fred and George said.

"Err, thanks. I actually thought about that some, too, and, having heard the legends of your past work, I think you're ready to be Marauders as well."

"What exactly is a Marauder?" Hermione inquired.

"A top secret band of students dedicated to spreading mischief." "And always up to no good" "That is to say: us." Fred and George replied.

Hermione shook her head in disapproval.

"Such a Ravenclaw." Harry noted.

"You say that like it's a bad thing. What's so bad about being intelligent" Hermione inquired.

"There's nothing wrong being smart, in and of itself, hell I'm pretty smart myself. The thing is, though, I'm willing to add a little courage and creativity to that knowledge in pursuit of a good laugh. Same thing with the twins. Mischief requires one to be much more clever than you seem to think, it's why all the best pranksters have been from Gryffindor." Harry answered.

"I thought Gryffindor was supposed to be full of brave people, not troublemakers."

"Right you are, dear Hermione." "But you've clearly never met Filtch nor seen the punishment he deals out for those who are up to no good." "Such as ourselves." "Too true. Courage without intelligence is just a recipe for disaster." "In Gryffindor we're plenty smart, too, we're just better at applying it." Fred and George fired off in rapid succession.

"I'm not sure I see the intelligence required to set off fireworks in the groundskeeper's office." Hermione said.

"Consider this, Hermione: at best Ravenclaw would be the smartest 1/4th of the school, but that's not the case. There are plenty of smart kids in Gryffindor and Slytherin, and even a few in Hufflepuff. That means Ravenclaw is actually just left with everyone is neither friendly, nor brave, nor cunning. That said, setting of fireworks in Filtch's office, no matter how impressive it was to pull off, probably wasn't so smart, so she might have a point there." Harry siad.

"I'm not quite sure I agree with your analysis on the finer points of the Hogwarts houses but I'm glad we can agree that pranks aren't intelligent." Hermione said.

"Well I just think their efforts would be better served when applied against, say, all of Slytherin instead of the groundskeeper. Actually, it's probably not a good idea to go after everyone in Slytherin, if I want to beat Sirus' record I'm pretty sure I've gotta bag some Slytherin girls."

"Don't you think it's a little inappropriate the treat all the women of Hogwarts as prizes to collect?"

"If he treats them like prizes isn't that a good thing?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Yes. Yes it is a good thing, Ron. I would be flattered to have a chance to go out with me. Besides, I'm not treating _all _the girls like prizes, just a little over half of them. I don't intend to seduce you, for example." Harry informed Hermione.

"No, using women as part of a stupid challenge from your godfather isn't a good thing and I'm happy to hear to aren't going to try whatever it is you consider to be 'seduction' on me, Harry. I don't make it a habit to associate with people as pompous and chauvinistic as yourself. And I daresay you'll find most other girls don't, either."

"You simply aren't the target audience. Given this, I don't think you're in much of a position to say what 'most other girls' are into. I happen to know that acting the part of a pompous arse works pretty well with most girls. Combine that with quick wit, boyish charm, and stunning good looks and girls will be lining up. Also, did I mention I was famous?"

"Yes, just a few minutes ago, actually. I think your concept of what women want is totally off-base and when a girl you're chasing sets you straight I'll be laughing"

"When your target is not one particular girl but rather the majority of the girls in Hogwarts it's pretty hard to be 'set in your place,' not that something like that would ever happen to me. Just look at how bad a job you're doing in your attempt to do just that right now. The bottom line is that I will be popular at Hogwarts and lots of girls want to be seen with me, or they'll want to be able to say that they snogged the boy who lived, or they just won't be able to resist these stunning locks of raven hair. If a girl turns me down which, realistically, could happen, assuming she thinks she's already in a commited relationship or something, it's not going to be a big deal, everyone will just think she's crazy because they themselves are too infatuated with me to see any faults. Not that there are any to see, anyway."

"I'm not infatuated with you at all. I fact, I actually have developed feelings of dislike toward you after mere minutes of meeting you."

"You have such a way with words, Hermione. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"That I dislike you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It's just like how you know a new band is cool if your mother says it sounds terrible. Let's face it, you're not very cool, the fact that an uncool person has such strong dislike for me only further cements my status as a cool guy."

"I'm sitting somewhere else." Hermione said in a huff as she exited the train compartment.

"That was brilliant!" Ron exclaimed when the door had closed. "You're going to have to teach me some of that stuff about girls. They really like it when you act like a dick?"

"Well not all of them; Hermione obviously doesn't, not that I want to go out with her anyways. Acting like a dick doesn't really make for long lasting relationships, either. It does make you different, however, and that's usually just enough to get your foot in the door with a whole lot of girls. And isn't that the goal anyway? I'm not planning on marrying my first-year-sweetheart or anything."

"Too true, mate" Ron said in agreement.

"So what did you guys think of Hermione?" Harry asked the room at large.

"She reminds me of my mother." Ron noted as Fred and George nodded in agreement.

"She's brainy." "And against everything we stand for." Fred and George said with a broad smile.

"So you two agree that she needs to be a marauder, then, right?" Harry asked

Fred and George gave a simultaneous "Yes." While Ron stared, gaping at Harry.

"How do you make the jump brainy and acting like she's our mother to making her a Marauder? You haven't even made me a Marauder yet!" Ron said a little louder than was strictly required for a conversation among 4 people.

"No one would suspect her involvement in pranks." "Though that could be because she'd still refuse to be a part in them." "You might be right there." "And she actually is pretty smart." "As long as we can convince her to use it for evil rather than good." Fred and George said, setting all the issues of their debate.

"Exactly my thinking, gentlemen. I think she's got a unique set of assets that are very different from our own. Including her in the Marauders could be in the best interest of everyone involved. And, as for why you're not yet a marauder, that's just because you haven't yet proven yourself worthy, Ron."

"Oh, and she has? And, just because you want her to be a Marauder doesn't mean she wants to be one. In fact, I'm not sure if you guys saw but she actually just walked out on Harry in disgust."

"She'll be back, just you wait and see. I doubt she'll find any other cabin to take her and she'll show back up here with her tail between her legs. She'll be just as certain that I'm still wrong but she will have gotten over it for the most part and will want friends so badly that she'll hang out with us. Not that we should friends of last resort, but you know what I'm saying. Plus, I could use a girl I can trust as a friend with a strictly platonic relationship. I say we let her in."

Hermione was quite frustrated when she left the cabin. She knew that Harry, despite having a position that should have been less morally defensible, was winning their little verbal sparring match back in the cabin and yet she still knew she was somehow right.

_So maybe he can find enough stupid girls in Hogwarts to fall for his act, will snogging a bunch of random women really earn him anything in the long run? No. And he won't come out a better person because of it. Yeah. I'm definitely in the right on this one. Harry will never even know what love is, he'll only have a string of meaningless relationships, and what good is that? Even if his plan succeeds he loses._

After this little pep talk she gave herself in her thoughts she decided she'd walk the train a bit and see if she couldn't find more agreeable company to enjoy the rest of her ride with.

After getting turned down for the 5th time she started to think that, just maybe, Harry wasn't entirely off base.

_I mean, sure, true love is great and all, but if I had a lightening bolt scar on her forehead she definitely would have found a new cabin by now_.

That line of thought lasted for all of about 5 seconds until she realized Harry might be rubbing off on her. Since it looked like she was going to have to sit with him for the rest of the train ride she cringed at the thought of how corrupted her mind might be by the time they arrived at school.

_I've been in the wizarding world for a combined 10 hours between yesterday and today. Am I seriously cursed to only be offered friendship by the 4 people I have the least in common with? This is SO not fair._

When Hermione reentered the compartment no one seem surprised.

_Am I really this predictable? Or did they know that no one else would let me in their cabins? Oh God. Are they just pitying me? It's my first day at a new school and the only people that pity me are the 4 most insufferable people in it. They can't be that bad if they're still capable of pity, though, right?_

"I guess my competition is stiffer than I thought. You were able to start and lose an argument with someone else that quickly?" Harry asked, disappointed.

_No. They can be that bad._

"No matter, we've decided we'll let you join the Marauders, even if you're a bit of a gloomy gus." Harry added after she just sort of stared sadly at his greeting.

"Wait. What?"

"The marauders top secret band of students dedicated to spreading mischief." "And always up to no good" "That is to say-"

"I know what the Marauders are, I just don't know what would make you think I would want to join, or why you would even want me to join." Hermione interrupted Fred and George's explanation.

"As much as it pains me to admit, you've got a set of skills different from our own that could prove to be of use at some point. As to why you would want to join, I think the fact that you returned to the compartment pretty much answers that." Harry answered.

"I... I'll consider it."

_Seriously, Hermione? Harry just asked you join a group of students dedicated to causing mischief and you're considering it? I believe the answer you were looking for was "No."_

"We already finished thinking about it." "So it would make sense that you wouldn't be done thinking about it yet." Fred and George offered.

"Hilarious, boys, really." Hermione said in a tone that dripped with sarcasm.

"I thought it was." Ron said

"Me, too" Harry concurred.

"What you're asking me to do goes against nearly all that I am. I'll need a few days."

"I guess we can't discuss any top secret covert marauder activities today, then."

Fred and George grumbled but the topics of conversation shifted in scope to the much more mundane for most of the rest of the ride. About 30 minutes out Harry disappeared from the compartment for about 10 minutes on what was supposed to be a trip to the loo. When he returned with his hair even more disheveled than it was before he left Ron got curious.

"You get into a fight on the way to the loo or something? He inquired.

"Good guess. I got into an empty compartment with a little blonde Hufflepuff second year on the way to getting snogged." Harry replied, beaming.

Ron, Fred, and George high-fived him. Hermione just shook her head.

"That's so inconsiderate. I bet you don't even know that poor girl's name."

"How is that inconsiderate? I would snog me if I weren't me, assuming that I was a girl, or that me was a girl, because neither me, nor I, is into guys, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I, and me, just don't swing that way. If that makes sense. Also, I wouldn't take that bet with you because I'm pretty sure you're right."

"You're insufferable."

"Hey, she came onto me, I'll have you know."

"Oh, I'm sure."

"Well I may of done a little work on the backstory, but how could you expect me to walk by a compartment filled with girls and not take a crack at it? Anyways, she pulled ME into the compartment, it's not like I snogged her against her will or something. You should actually be mad at her."

Hermione just shot a look of disapproval at Harry.

A/N: Unfortunately this is far into the first year as I wrote in this story, the next chapter jumps forward a year. The events of year one will be referenced in future dialog, however, and I may write the full year when I'm done with the main story.


	3. We're Not so Alternate, You and I

Harry had rather enjoyed his summer. During its entirety he had never missed a chance to gloat to Sirius that he had, in fact, successfully snogged more witches in his first year than his godfather had managed. Of course Sirius' excuse was that he wasn't really trying very hard his first year as he'd only recently become interested in the opposite sex, Harry would have none of it, though.

Unfortunately for Harry, the Weasley's had won the Daily Prophet's Annual Prize Draw and gone to Egypt for much of the summer. He tried to convince Sirius to let him go, as well, but Sirius, being a top auror, and, therefore, in great demand, couldn't get enough time off to make the trip and both he and Harry agreed that Mrs. Weasley probably wouldn't want Harry to join their family on the trip unsupervised. In fact, Harry thoguht she probably wouldn't want him on the trip supervised, either, provided such supervision came in the form of Sirius Black. Thus, Harry spent the summer mostly alone as his other best friend, Hermione, didn't yet seem ready to admit that she was marauder, or that she was his friend, but Harry knew she would come around. Although she hung out with the marauders she refused to call herself one, openly condemned their antics, and seemed to think that spending too much time with Harry would lead to her being corrupted. Harry thought this was a little hypocritical. Harry's solitary summer was occasionally punctuated on days when he would hang out with Dean or Seamus, acquaintances from Gryffindor, they weren't marauders but it was better than sitting around an empty house.

At present, however, with present referring to 9 AM on a Saturday, Harry's slumber was coming to an abrupt end, not unlike the summer itself. The case Sirius just closed for the Ministry required him to be on an uncomfortably early schedule, uncomfortably early for him, anyway. The fact that he could use this to wake Harry after only a few hours of sleep almost made getting up at a respectable hour worth it. Today Sirius' method of choice to rouse Harry from bed was a stream of water to the face, summoned from his wand. It had the desired effect. Harry was so used to these antics, however, that he wasn't surprised when he woke up to a face full of water, just tired.

"Seriously?"

"_Sirius_-ly, more like it."

"Come up with that one all on your own?"

"I did. What is at issue here, however, is not my comedic genius. We've actually got some shopping to do."

"Yes, but why does it need to be done at 9 AM?"

"So we can beat the crowds!"

"Err, right. I'll get right on that."

With a family as large as the Weasleys even breakfast was an ordeal, but Molly managed just fine. The Burrow was even busier than usual, this morning, however, as it was time for the annual trip to Diagon Alley to purchase school supplies and the upper stories of the Burrow clamored with the sound of children jockeying for the house's only bathroom. Molly shed a tear as she thought how, as hectic as these trips were, she was going to miss them when her kids had all grown up and moved out. Ginny, her youngest, would be joining her others this year at Hogwart and that meant she only had 6 Diagon Alley days left. She was worried about her, too. Her youngest and her only daughter, to boot. Sure, with Dumbledore there Hogwarts was a safe place but just last year the Defense against the Dark Arts professor tried to kill a student. And, while this isn't something that's likely to happen every year, what was even more concerning to Molly was the student who stopped him: Harry Potter. Everyone knew Harry survived Voldemort's killing curse as a child, that was surely the mark of great power. Stopping a defense against the dark arts professor was no small feat, either, even if he was raised by an auror. This time, however, Harry did more than just survive, he actually killed the professor. This isn't the sort of thing most normal boys were doing and even if the professor in question was up to no good it doesn't mean Harry Potter was all good, either. This power Harry Potter has isn't necessarily bad, Dumbledore is powerful, but so is Voldemort. And, even if that Potter boy isn't the next dark lord he wasn't exactly who she wanted her children hanging out with. In fact, Harry is probably the reason Ron was in a girl's lavatory when the troll showed up last year. Just because Harry saved him from the troll doesn't make up for the fact that Harry is probably the reason Ron and that poor muggle-born girl were there in the first place. Molly had also heard that he was up to the same pranks that his father and his friends were up to and the last thing Fred and George needed was encouragement and she certainly didn't want Ron sucked up into that mess. Even more frightening for her was the fact that she suspected Ginny might be attracted to the boy. Ginny was unusually quiet when she met him last year and stared at her feet the whole time, that wasn't her normally loud self at all. At the same time, she might have just been star struck because she always used to ask her and Arthur to read her tales of Harry Potter when she was younger. Either way, Molly knew the way Sirius went through girls and Hogwarts and, based on bits of overheard conversation among her sons she gathered Harry was no different and she certainly didn't want her daughter to fall victim to that sort of thing.

Ginny always made sure she woke up before her brothers to insure she could have much time as she pleased in the bathroom for her morning shower. Because they had to go to Diagon Alley today she knew this to be of paramount importance if she didn't want to be rushed. During her shower she realized that, although tomorrow would finally be her first day at Hogwarts, today might be even more important. Ron, Fred, and George are all friends with Harry Potter so she just might get to see him in Diagon Alley today. She probably needed a pep-talk for this.

_This isn't a big deal, Ginny. He's not a character from a book, he's just another student, he's no different from any of Ron's other friends. Just act normal. You could probably even try eye contact this time._

_Actually, no. Don't try eye contact, that's moving a little too fast, just stick to looking at your shoes. It's probably not a good idea to give him the entire history of your name either, though. Although last time you did he made a joke. Harry Potter is so funny. He has the cutest smile, too..._

_Focus, Ginny. Today act totally normal when you see Harry Potter. You're going to be the most normal girl he's ever seen._

_Actually that doesn't sound so good, either..._

Arriving as early as they did actually did mean that they beat a lot of the crowds to the stores. Harry wasn't sure why this surprised him so much, every normal person, which is to say: everyone who is not Sirius during the past 3 weeks, probably likes sleeping in. The lack of crowds meant that they made quick work of getting his supplies and, just as the crowds started to arrive, he and Sirius made their way to the ice cream shop to finish off their day with a pre-lunch ice cream, because when you make a bachelor raise a kid there will be pre-lunch ice cream. Just as they sat down with their cones a gaggle of redheads walked out of the Leaky Cauldron toward the shop.

Harry was thrilled . He'd written letters to Ron and the twins over summer but this was the first time he'd gotten to see his fellow marauders since the last of day of their first year.

"Harry!" his three fellow marauders called out to him as they ran over to join the table he and Sirius were at.

"It's been a while."

"That it has, Harry." "Some might even say too much of a while." "Indeed." The twins agreed.

The rest of the Weasleys had caught up to them, now.

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. How was Egypt?" Harry inquired. After his last encounter with the Weasleys he thought it wise to paint the picture of himself as a golden child. This was new for Harry, the whole boy-who-lived thing usually won him instant trust but you can't be a good marauder without knowing how to act.

"It was fantastic. We got to meet one of our other sons, Charlie, and see all the ancient Egyptian ruins. That's the oldest known magical place, you know."

"That sounds charming, and it's nice to see you all, again. Even you, Perc'."

Percy didn't seem to take offense as he smiled and nodded in kind.

"And you" Harry said, looking at Ginny, who was hard at work on her stare-at-the-ground routine "I don't think we've met before."

Ginny, confident that the ground wouldn't go anywhere were she to look away, looked up Harry "Hi. We actually met last year. I'm Ginny."

_I was doing so well impressing Mrs. Weasley, too, and now I forgot I met her daughter before. How is that even possible? She's the only girl. Also, she's a girl. Actually, she's not that attractive, so I guess that answers how that's possible. I think I can still salvage this. Ginny's gotta be short for something, right? Virginia, maybe? Or Ginevra. Well this is a witch we're talking about here, I don't guess that's too hard to figure out... _"Ginny, short for Ginevra, right? I think I remember meeting you now."

"Yeah." Ginny said, staring at the ground again.

She sort of seemed upset, Harry thought, but she was starting at the ground before, perhaps upset is just her natural state, Harry thought, as he and Sirius finished up their respective ice creams.

"This is going to be her first year at Hogwarts!" Mrs. Weasley said, beaming.

"I"m sure I'll see her around Gryffindor tower, then." Harry said, returning Mrs. Weasley's smile. Harry didn't much care where she went but he knew mentioning to a Gryffindor family how likely it is that their child will be a Gryffindor was a sure way to win over hearts and minds.

"Well, as much as I hate to truncate this reunion I think it's probably about time we start heading back, Harry."

"Aww, can Harry shop with us, can't he?" Ron pleaded.

Sirius, quickly noting the look of disapproval cut in "I actually need him back at Grimauld Place, sorry guys. I promise to return your marauder to you tomorrow."

Harry, saying goodbye to everyone, grabbed Sirius as the apparated out.

"You didn't actually need me for anything, did you?"

"Did you see Molly's face?"

"Yeah, it was a good call, I just wanted to make sure you weren't actually expecting me to do chores or something.

When the Weasleys returned home Ginny went straight to her room to organize all her new school things, and to think.

_I think I did pretty good, today. Sure, last year I gave Harry the full entomology of my name but that's the reason he remembered me today! Actually, it might not be a good thing that the only thing he remembers about me is the most embarrassing moment of the entire 2 minutes I've ever seen him. I've got the entire school year to make it up, though, and he actually sounded excited that I'm probably going to be a Gryffindor. It's too bad Draco Malfoy had to show up in the book shop and ruin all that, though. It was actually kind of funny when you think about it, really. He assumed that the marauders needed Harry around to engage him in a verbal sparring match but he's clearly never had to trade insults with Fred and George before. It ended being Draco's dad that had to save him, though. I think it's a little sad for a grown man to be making fun of a little girl for having used books, though._

A/N: Yup, the trip to Egypt moved up a year. I'm writing this author's note from the future and I can tell you that I sort of regret doing that just a little but it all works out.


	4. Nothing of Value was Lost

Harry, not wanting to preface the long ride to Hogwarts by waking up to water being blasted in his face, actually planned ahead this morning and set his alarm clock for 9. More surprising than this, however, is that he actually woke up when said alarm clock went off. Thus a crises was averted.

Harry thought the best way to capitalize on these new found morning hours would be by seeking some revenge on Sirius for an entire summer of rude awakenings. Harry slowly crept out of his room but was immediately confronted with the smell of bacon and the sound of Sirius attempting to sing in the kitchen.

_Blast, foiled once again by Sirius' unusually normal sleeping patterns. And, seriously, cooking breakfast? Waking up on time even when he doesn't have work? I think Sirius is becoming Remus._

Harry descended the steps and made his way into the kitchen where his still-tired ears were immediately assaulted by a pink-haired witch

"Wotcher, Harry!"

"Merlin, Tonks, you're a little too loud and a little too early. Why are you even here? No offense, or anything, but it's like 9 AM on a Sunday."

"None taken, Harry, I know you love me. I'm here to see you off to Hogwarts, of course!"

"I know I'm a much sought-after wizard but I'm not sure that two auror escorts are really needed to apparate me to a train station."

"I actually made a bit of mistake, Harry, sorry about that. I might have made the mistake of mentioning the whole Quirrell thing to Remus in an owl I sent him a little while ago. For some reason I thought he would agree that it was actually pretty badass, instead he freaked out and said you need protection detail."  
"He's crazy, it's not like that's going to happen to me all the time."  
"And that's what I told him, Harry, but he seems to think he's your godmother, that one. He decided to sidestep me and go straight to Kingsley who assigned Tonk, here. You'd think that with her being my partner at the Ministry and all that she'd know anything Remus suggests is a bad idea."

"Oi, I've met Remus and he's not so bad. Do you really hate having me around that much, Sirius? I'm hurt."

"You're hurt? I didn't know that was possible. And it's not so much that I dislike having you around, jury's still out on that one, it's just that Remus is embarrassing. Harry doesn't need an armed guard to get to school. Remus's just got his knickers in a twist."

Harry was helped himself to some breakfast as Tonks and Sirius' discussion shifted to their auror-ly duties.

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_I'm finally going to Hogwarts! And I bet I get to sit in Harry's cabin on the train ride there._

_Oh, Merlin. I might have to sit in Harry Potter's cabin the whole ride there. That's a long time to mess something up._

_Get it together, Ginny! You can't be looking forward to something and dreading it at the same time, that's just stupid. You've got to pick one._

_Fine. I'm looking forward to it. Not stop bothering me, self._

Ginny stepped out of the shower and started drying off. The fact that Ron was complaining loudly about how long she'd been in there did nothing to encourage her to speed up. She was Fred and George's sister, after all.

When she was finally done, Percy tried to pull the prefect card to go next and, while Fred and George explained that they weren't at Hogwarts yet, Ron took the opportunity to slip into the Burrow's only bathroom.

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When Ginny had finished putting the final touches on packing her school trunk she dragged it down the stairs. The fact that all of her brothers now sat at the breakfast table freshly showered and clothed concerned her, it seemed unlikely that one could get very clean after a 3 minute shower.

"Now, boys, I expect Ginny will be riding to Hogwarts in your cabin?"

"I'm not sure that's the best idea, dear mother." "Yeah, it's critical that she make her own friends." "Early childhood development and stuff, you know." Fred and George offered by way of excuse.

"Early childhood my arse! What makes you think I'd want to ride with you gits, anyways?"

"Language, Ginevra!" Molly said, sternly, but not loudly enough to cover what Ron answered to her rhetorical question:

"Harry Potter."

Fred and George glared at him.

"What?" Ginny asked Ron, ignoring the chastisement her mother just gave her.

"Oh, well it's just that you always begged mum and dad to read you stories about him when you were younger. And then I noticed you were really quiet every time he's around, and I didn't know why but then Fred and" this earned him Ron elbow in each side from where the twins sat, flanking him.

"Er... but then I thought it might be because you were nervous. Because he's famous. And stuff. Not because you have a crush on him or anything." He finished.

Ginny's fingers were white from her ever-tightening grip on her wand.

"Good. I wouldn't want you to think I have a 'crush or anything' on someone who hangs out with you three. I might have to hex you or something if you got to thinking that." She calmly moved her wand onto the table.

"Ginevra Molly Weasley! I won't have that sort of talk happening at my breakfast table."

"But Ron said-"  
"No excuses. And, boys, whoever your sister does or doesn't have a crush on is entirely her business. That said, I don't think Harry Potter is the ideal target for your affections. He's just like Sirius."

At that Ginny blushed the table was silent for a few minutes.

"I believe the Lovegood girl is also going to be starting Hogwarts this year. I think her name might be Luna." Percy finally offered.

"She's weird." Ginny said in a tone that indicated it wasn't an issue up for debate.

"Ginny's right. She's a little off her rocker, that one. Luna, that is, not Ginny." Ron said, in an attempt to get off of Ginny's hit list.

"Ginny should sit in your cabin, then, Perce!" "I agree, you kids are two of a kind." "Too right you are, Fred."

"Remember what I said about hexes earlier?" Ginny said, eyebrows raised.

"Ginny can't stay in my cabin, anyway."

"Why might that be, dear brother?" "Yes, pray tell."

"Only prefects and head boys and girls can be in the lead car."

"Oh, you're a prefect?" "We had no idea, Percy."

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Tonks apparated to platform 9 ¾ first, to make sure there weren't any possessed professors walking about looking for the Philosopher's Stone or something. When she returned with the all clear Sirius apparated himself and Harry to the platform. They'd arrived so early that Harry could walk a leisurely pace to the train without fear of being left behind. Harry did a quick walk through of the whole train and saw no trace of the Weasleys so he went to work finding his own cabin. Dean, Seamus, and Neville offered him a seat in theirs but he was planning on figuring out the details of the upcoming year of marauder-related activities so he declined. He also had several offers to join girls he's never met before (or had he? They're all the same after a while) but decided to wait until he got to school to start working that angle. As it turns out, surviving Voldemort as an infant, being the youngest quidditch player in a century, killing a troll, and a killing a mad professor made it almost too easy to get girls. The fact that some people were speculating that he might have dark powers only seemed to add to his allure.

After turning down another cabin of giggling 3rd year girls Harry ran into a Hermione bearing a look of disgust on her face.

"I can't believe they don't see what you're doing."

"You mean trying to find an empty cabin?"

"No, going out with as many girls as you can."

"Have you considered that that's exactly why they're so interested? They want a piece of the action."

"No, because it's absurd. They all think that they're different and that you really adore them as much as they do you, but they aren't special and then you just move on to a new girl the next week."

"True, but they mostly just go out with me because I'm popular, famous, and just an all around badass. It's not like these are some deep emotion connections I'm breaking off here. In fact, you should be disgusted by them for being so shallow, not me."

"I'm not sure they know what they're doing but you know exactly what you're up to, Harry Potter. And don't you dare try to shift this argument onto them!"

"It was worth a shot. And that's why I like you so much, Hermione. All those other girls just like me for my popularity. But you? You hate me for who I am on the inside, and that means more than you could ever know. It's like you and I share a deep emotion disconnection." Harry said, wiping a fake tear from his eye.

"I'm not even sure how to respond to that."

"Nice job, Harry!" Ron said from behind, patting Harry's shoulder. "I didn't know it was possible to leave that one speechless, mate."

"I do what I can. Let's find a cabin, then, shall we?"

"We shall, but we've got some unfortunate news." "Most unfortunate, indeed. We're under strict orders to allow Ginny into our cabin." "Sorry, mate."

"This could be an issue, she's not a marauder."

"Can't we make her one?" Ron asked, still trying to get back in Ginny's good graces.

"There can't be any girl marauders." Harry answered.

"Uh, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Yes?"

"I thought you said I was a marauder."

"First of all, I hope someone is taking notes, I'm pretty sure Hermione has finally admitted that she is, in fact, a marauder. Secondly, what's your point?"

"I'm a girl, Harry."

"That's neither here nor there."

"That doesn't even make-"

"To the cabins! Before all the good ones are taken!"

"Harry, I'm still here, that doesn't help you dodge the question."

"Fine. It's like I explained before. Every girl except you just wants to get in my pants, Hermione. It just wouldn't be right to force them to be around what they can't have. I'm simply too seductive."

"Ha!"

"You laugh but little Ginny there has been avoiding eye contact with me for the entirety of this conversation in an attempt to avoid my masculine wiles."

"Your masculine wiles?" Hermione asked with a raised eye brow as Ron grabbed his shin which had evidently been kicked my someone.

"It was mice neeting you again, err, nice meeting you again, Harry, but I think I can just find a cabin with some other first years since you guys need some space." Ginny said as she turned around and walked away.

"See, Hermione? She was totally into me."

"Probably not after that."

"And nothing of value was loss."

"Hey, Harry, that's my sister you're talking about." Ron said.

"I'm sorry Ron, would you prefer it if I went on at length at how attractive your sister? Not only would I have to be dishonest with you but I just never got the vibe that you want me to go out with your sis."

"Err, that's, I mean, she's my sister, I don't want to hear you calling her attractive but I don't want to hear you making fun of her, either. And, actually, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to go out with her. Other than the fact that she's my sister and you're my best friend there's the fact that mum isn't too keen on you already. Dumping her baby girl probably wouldn't help too much with that."

"We think it's fantastic that you don't find our sister attractive, Harry." "Truly great, really." "No doubt, because once you dumped her, mum would expect us to defend her honor or something silly like that."

"Exactly, so nothing of value would have been lost. But Hermione's wrong, if I'm correct in guessing that your sister has a crush on me, and I'm reasonably certain that I am, given that most girls do, then that changed nothing, which is probably unfortunate. You guys are probably going to be upset when I inevitably have to turn her down."

"You're insufferable, Harry. I'm going sit with Ginny, I think she's a perfectly nice girl and if she doesn't already see right through your act then I'm sure she will soon enough." Hermione then moved quickly to try to catch up to Ginny.

"Gentlemen, this is why we can't have nice things. I think Dean, Neville, and Seamus have a cabin. Shall we move to join them, then."

"Works for me." Ron said, so they moved to join their fellow Gryffendors.

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"Ginny!" Hermione said to get the attention of the redheaded girl she'd finally tracked down. "I thought we could find a cabin together."

"Oh, ok, then. I think I might know a girl in my year we can sit with, Luna, if we can just find her."

"Excellent."

They searched in silence through the cars until Ginny happened upon a cabin that was empty save for a blonde girl, staring pleasantly off into space.

"Luna?"

"Oh, hello, Ginny. How are you? We haven't seen each other in a very long time."

"I'm fine. Is anyone sitting with you?"

"No, no one else is sitting here. I'm pretty sure they just think I'm a little weird."

"Well Hermione and I would love to sit with you."

"I'd like that, but I'm not so sure you'd love to sit with me. You seem like you might want to sit elsewhere."

"I can't think of a place I would rather sit than here, Luna. I think we're sufficiently far enough away from 'the marauders.'" Hermione said, complete with air quotes.

"Did you say _you _were a marauder, Hermione?"

"Only because I thought you wanted to join your brothers and Harry. Do you honestly think I'm one of them?"

"I guess not."

"What are marauders and why don't you want to sit with them?" Luna asked.

"My brothers Fred, George, and Ron, plus Harry Potter. They said they had important marauder business to attend to and only marauders could stay, so I left. Normally I would have just threatened to hex them but there would have been too many witnesses."

"Now I can see why you wanted to join them. Here I was thinking you're a shy a little girl. Had I known you were a hardened killer I would have let you fend for yourself." Hermione said, jokingly.

"I might have accidentally kicked Ron in the shins, though."

"Why'd you do that? Not that I don't think he deserved it, I've been around him for a year, you know."

"I think he told Harry I've got a crush on him."

"Ron got there when you did, I don't see how he could have."

"Oh, well that's good. Because I don't. Have a crush on Harry, that is." Ginny said, looking at the floor in hopes no one would see blushing.

"Good. Don't tell him I said this because the last thing he needs is another ego boost but you and I are probably some of the only girls at Hogwarts that don't fall for that act."

The rest of the ride passed jovially. Ginny and Luna were both first years and had lots of questions. Hermione happened to have lots of answers, although most of them talked about how much fun school is at Hogwarts. Before they knew it they were at the castle.

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A/N: Did Remus and Tonks just appear out nowhere? Yes, they did. Who can complain about that?

Also, writing about Diagon Alley and the train was getting old since that's all I've done so far, so I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

As always, reviews are appreciated. I get excited every time I get an email that a new review was posted, it's really sort of pathetic, frankly.


	5. Masculine Wiles

"The prodigal son has returned!" Harry said as Hermione joined he and the other Marauders at the Gryffindor table.

"I thought we already established today that I am, in fact, a girl, and therefore not a son."

"In name only, dear Hermione." "But if you keep acting like that people might start to believe you." Fred and George replied. Hermione rolled her eyes in exasperation. Before she had time to craft a retort, however, professor McGonagall cleared her throat and announced that it was time to sort the first years.

After Ginny watched Luna get sorted into Ravenclaw she was a little disappointed. Sure, that girl was a little odd but after talking with her on the train she wasn't all bad. Though, after talking with her, she had no doubt that she probably belonged in Ravenclaw. Her thoughts were interrupted when McGonagall called her name and she was sorted into Gryffindor, just as she knew she would be.

_That wasn't so bad. In fact, there was a suspicious lack of troll fighting involved, not that I believed Fred and George. That wasn't just 'not bad,' either, it was great! I'm a Gryffindor! Even if I'm not with Luna I'm at least with Hermione. I'm not so sure that's a good thing, though. If I sit with her I'm probably going to have to sit with Harry, too. On the bright side, if I sit with her I'm probably going to get to sit with Harry. I'm not entirely sure how that can be a good thing and a bad thing simultaneously, but it is. Plus I'm not so sure Hermione didn't just sit with me on the train because she pities me. Of course if she's friends with my brothers those feelings might be mutual._

Ginny sat down with the Marauders at the Gryffindor table to many words of congratulations from them all.

"I don't care what Fred said, there's still hope for this one, yet!" "But you're Fred, Fred." "I know, and have you heard the terrible things I've been saying about her behind her back?" "Well just because she got into Gryffindor doesn't change much of that." "Yes, but can't a brother hope?"

"I'm right here, you know." Ginny said, setting her wand on the table in a rather conspicuous motion.

"We know."

"And mom taught me the bat bogey hex to keep you two in line."

"Well how are you going to know which of us to hit?" "Yeah, Fred said all those unnamed bad things." "Yes, Fred did. And how would you know which of us is Fred?" "We're identical."

"You just said you were Fred about 20 seconds ago." Hermione pointed out.

"I was probably lying." "He does have a bit of a reputation for that." "Also, Harry, remind me why this one is a Marauder, again."

"She did have a good point, you sort of blew your cover. As for why she's a Marauder, I've told you a million times, no one would suspect that she's the criminal mastermind behind all of this."

"I am NOT."

"See? Even in present company she maintains her cover as an innocent little schoolgirl. I know of no one else with that kind of dedication. Take Ginny, here, for example. She's already forgotten about hexing you two. That's just bad form."

"Oh, thanks for that, Harry." "Yes, it's such bad form to not let your friends get hexed" The twins responded.

"Well, you asked. She's just a first year, any ways, I think you're bogeys are safe."

Ginny thought she was a little too starstruck from this direct mention by _Harry Potter_ to get a hex off at the moment so he was probably right but she didn't have to put her resolve to the test as she was saved by Dumbledore clearing his throat to make his beginning of year announcements. After the ruckus of kids trying to get a look at Lockhart, the new DADA teacher, all was forgotten. Once the announcements were complete and the food had appeared Ginny was once again struck with the realization that she would most likely have to make an attempt at engaging in conversation with Harry or else her brothers might get suspicious.

_But you don't want to oversell it, either. You've just got to talk to him once without doing anything stupid, then you're fine. If you talk to him too much, though, then you just increase the chances of doing something stupid._

It was right about that time that Ginny set her elbow down in a bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Save some for the rest us, would you?" Harry said.

Ginny's face flushed as she focused on cleaning off her elbow. Hermione, feeling sorry for the girl, just pulled out her wand and said "Tergeo" to clean off Ginny's arm

"Thanks." Ginny said, quietly and without making eye contact.

"Think you could work one of those on the potatoes, too, Hermione?" Ron asked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You could just ask one of us to hand you a spoon next time you want some potatoes. No need to get up to your elbows in the stuff." Harry remarked to laughter from everyone except Hermione and Ginny.

"Lay off, she's just nervous because it's her first day here." Hermione said in Ginny's defense.

"Fair enough, I'd be nervous, too, if it were my first year AND I was eating dinner with the boy who lived." Harry said.

"Hmph. You know you've got some competition this year, Harry. Lockhart is the Defense professor and he's quite famous, he's written a lot of books. He's attractive, too... I read."  
"You read that you find him attractive, Hermione?"

"Well, I didn't say that I, personally-"  
"Shh." Harry said, placing a finger over his lips in a sarcasm-laden attempt to placate Hermione "Don't worry, Hermione, your secret's safe with me."

"Though probably not safe with us." One of the twins added. "Yes, we have a reputation."

"I don't really think of him as competition, anyways, Hermione. It's not like he's going to be snogging a bunch of second years or anything. That's actually really perverse, Hermione, I can't even believe you'd suggest that."

"I never sa-"  
"AND, I should point out, he doesn't have any witnesses to all those crazy things he wrote about. Anyone can write a book about how awesome they are, it doesn't make it so. The opposite is also true. I've never written a book and I think we can all agree that I'm awesome."

"I think 'awesome' is a little strong, Harry."

"Hermione, you're attracted to a potential pedophile. Your opinions don't matter. Plus, I've got a lightening bolt scar, what's more awesome than that?"

Hermione crossed her arms and starred daggers at Harry while everyone that heard their argument was laughing.

"Aww, come on Hermione. You know I only joke because I like you so darn much." Harry said with a mischievous grin.

"Yeah, right." Hermione said, rolling her eyes at him.

"Seriously, Hermione. You're probably the only girl in this school who's not just trying to get in my pants. For that you have my undying loyalty."

"Seriously, Harry. You're probably the only boy in the WORLD who thinks every girl he meets is trying to 'get into his pants.'"

"Well just look at Ginny, here. Did you see how she tried to seduce me with those potatoes? Don't think I didn't notice the way you were working that napkin." Harry said, with a stern look at Ginny, who decided to turn her attention to cutting her pork chop.

"Harry, don't talk about my sister like that." Ron said, seriously.

"Easy, there, killer."

At this Fred and George couldn't hold back their laughter any longer.

"Really, Ron?" "'The way she was working her napkin' is what set you off?" The twins asked once they'd had their laugh.

"You've got nothing to worry about, Ron. I think the lucky first girl of the year is going to be that Ravenclaw seeker."

"Cho Chang?" Ron asked

"That sounds right. She's 10 points for Ravenclaw, if you know what I mean. And by that I mean she's more like an 8, but she's athletic and smart so it sort of works out."

"I've given up any hope of you ever treating women with respect rather than objectifying them but do you think you could at least try _act_ like a respectable member of society around me?" Hermione cut in.

"Hermione, I'm a hero, by default everything I do is done regally and with respect. I'm the definition of an upstanding member of society. I really don't see what the problem is with admiring something of beauty when I see it. I don't complain about girls fawning over me, you know. In fact, I think your comments reveal and overt underlying sexist tendency on your part."

"You're hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless."

"I know, I have no hope of girls stopping that unseemly behavior towards me. It's not all their fault, though. They're just attracted to my masculine wiles, you know."

Hermione rolled her eyes, the twins laughed, and Ron asked Harry what masculine wiles were.

"Well, Ron, unfortunately it's not enough to just be the savior of the world to have lots of women attracted to you. It actually takes a little bit of effort, though you may not notice because of how I easy I make it look. The good news is that it also means you don't have to be a hero, so there's hope for the rest of you."

"Because that's what we _really_ need, Harry, is more boys in this school acting like you."

"You're too kind, Hermione. I, too, have often thought how much better the school would be if everyone were like me but there's no point in dwelling on impossibilities. The point I was trying to make, however, was that anyone could theoretically do what I do, as much as it pains me to admit it. Just look at Lockhart up there. He's no hero and yet for some reason he's got Hermione and half the housewives of magical Britain fawning over him."

"I do NOT 'fawn' over him!" Hermione objected. "Besides, he wrote all those books about the heroic stuff he did. Some might say that doing heroic things makes one a hero"

"You put far too much faith in books, Hermione. Have you seen do anything of that stuff he says he did?"

"No, but I haven't personally seen you kill any dark lords, either."

"I've got a lightening bolt scar, what more do you need? Plus I seem to recall having to save you from a troll last year. Plus, even if you didn't see me, do you think Quirrell just up and disappeared?"

"Fine, but if he made all that stuff up don't you think someone would have realized it by now?"

"Probably, but if he ran into enough fans like yourself along the way I'm sure he could just flash that smile of his to remove any suspicions. You're the best evidence of this. You're defending the guy and you've never even met him."

"Well you're attacking the guy and you've never even met him."

"I'm not attacking him, I'm just maintaining neutrality until I do meet him, there's a difference."

With that the food started disappearing from the tables and Dumbledore made some closing announcements, at the conclusion of which he dismissed everyone back to the house dorms. Given that everyone needed to be up bright and early the next day for the first day of classes they all went straight to their beds

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

"Hey Harry" Ron inquired, just after they'd both gotten into their respective beds.

"Yes?"

"About these masculine wiles..."

"It's sort of weird that you keep saying that. Who actually uses the word 'wiles' anyways? But yes, what about them?"

"You think anyone can get any girl?"

"Well almost anyone, Sirius had a lot of success, right? But not necessarily any girl. I don't really want to test that theory because any girl means every girl and every girl includes Pansy Parkinson, for example."

"Good point. But what do you have to do?"

"Well you've got to figure out what works for you, I mostly just follow all the advice Sirius gave me, it seems to work. For example: you've got to have at least one friend who is a girl but never your girlfriend. I've got Hermione, Sirius has Tonks. Hermione hates me so no problems there and Tonks is related to Sirius which, for some Wizards, probably wouldn't necessarily be an issue but I think they're OK."

"Why do you need a girl who's your friend but not your girlfriend?"

"Well it shows all the other girls that you're not a jerk with women if you have a female. This is sort of ironic given that the second piece of advice is to act like a bit of a jerk."

"How can that possibly help?"

"You've never heard that nice guys finish last? I have no idea why it works but right now at least it seems to be doing the trick. It works for Sirius, too."

"Well my mum thinks he's a jerk and hates him because of it."

"I noticed that, in fact I think she might think I'm a jerk, too, but Sirius is trying to land a date with your mum now, is he?"

"Well no, I guess he isn't, but I'm just saying that acting like a jerk isn't going to get you _anyone_ you want, just some people."

"That's an unusually perceptive comment for you make, Ron. You're probably right, it won't work on every one, but I didn't say it would. I works of everyone worth having. No offense intended to your mother. And you actually might not want to tell her I said any of this if you ever want to spend summer together."

"You're probably right about not telling her. But what are you going to do if you DO want someone that doesn't have a thing for jerks? Can you just turn it off?"

"I guess if there was a girl I really wanted I could. I've just never had a reason to try not being a jerk, so I've never done it. Just thinking about it is sort of scary, actually. But Hermione is probably the only girl in the school I met who that would apply to and that's not going to happen, ever. It's nothing against her personally but she's more like a sister to me. A sister from totally different parents who is my exact opposite."

"Plus she's unattractive." Dean Thomas cut in.

"Oh, don't mind us, Dean, we're just having a conversation that you weren't a part of." Harry responded in jest.

"You're talking in the boys dormitory while everyone is trying to sleep, we're all a part of it." Dean pointed out.

"Dean's right. Do you really think I could have any girl I wanted?" Neville asked.

Harry gave a theatrical yawn and said "Alright guys, I'm exhausted, I think we'd all better get to sleep.


	6. Humility, Virtue, and the Lack Thereof

Harry, Ron, and Hermione checked their schedule for the week over breakfast. Ginny, having become acquainted with her fellow first years in the dorm, decided it was better to eat with them than risk another mashed potato fiasco.

"So what've we got today?" Harry asked the table at large.

"Herbology!" Said Neville, excitedly.

"Better than potions, I guess. I can't handle Snape first thing on a Monday." Ron commented.

"And after Herbology we've got Defense." Hermione added.

"You would know that, wouldn't you? Those classes are on the days marked with hearts in your planner, right? Wouldn't want to miss a single minute of Lockhart's expert instruction." Harry said.

"I have done no such thing, Harry. Unlike you, I'm not jealous just because the school has another celebrity. That doesn't mean I'm infatuated with the man."

"No, it doesn't. The way you stick up for everything he says despite the lack of any tangible evidence is what means you're 'infatuated' with him. This has nothing to do with his alleged celebrity infringing on me. Maybe when he saves a country we can talk."

"You're hopeless, Harry, truly. I'm going to go see what Ginny's up to."

Fred swooped into the newly vacated space and George accompanied him on the right.

"So, Harry, we've got to open this year with a bang" "Yeah, we're nearly 24 hours into the school year and there's not so much as a plan for a prank yet." "It's a little embarrassing, frankly." Fred and George said in turn.

"I feel the same way but until we've got our first classes I'm not sure we can pick a deserving target."

"What about Filch?" "Or Snape?" "Or Snape!"

"Those are always good backups but I'm thinking Lockhart could be on that list soon, too."  
"If we pull a prank on Lockhart mum will kill us." "Or worse, send a howler."

"You should have heard how disappointed she was that we missed his book signing in Diagon Alley" Ron added.

"Well I don't plan on telling your mother or on getting caught so I don't think that's an issue."

"Good point." Fred said.

"We'll figure out the details in the common room tonight."

"The details of what?" Hermione asked, suddenly appearing behind Fred and George.

"The details of that essay for Snape about the potions." Harry said, not skipping a beat.

"'The potions?' Isn't that a little broad for an essay topic? Plus, Harry, we haven't even been to our first cla-"  
"Look! A distraction!" Harry interrupted her, pointing to the staff table while he, Ron, Fred, and George got up and started walking swiftly to the doors.

Hermione caught up to them at the doors.

"How did you think that was going to work?" She asked.

"Quite well, and I'd say it did. You totally forgot you were about to lecture us on not getting to Herbology late."

"That's not what I was about to do."

"It's quite alright, Hermione, your insistence on being punctual and well-informed is what makes you so special. That and your sad, strange attraction to much older men."

"Stop trying to change the subject."

"Trying? I think I just did change the subject. You should be offended right now, stop fighting it."

"I'm not even sure what you were changing the subject from."

"Excellent."

The rest of the way to the greenhouses they walked in silence as Ron was confused, Hermione frustrated, and Harry rather content. Professor Sprout beckoned them to the entrance of greenhouse 3 and handed them each a pair of earmuffs as they entered.

Once the rest of the class arrived professor Sprout started her lesson

"Today we'll be moving these mandrakes to larger pots. I've given you all earmuffs because the cry of an adult mandrake can kill. These mandrakes are adolescents, however, and will just knock you out for a few hours, nevertheless I think it would behoove you all to keep your ear muffs securely on until I give you the thumbs up. Now, you'll all need to get into groups of four to a table."

With these instructions professor Sprout start grouping the students. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were joined by a brown-haired Hufflepuff boy at their table.

"Hello, I'm Justin Finch-Fletchley. I know who you are, you're Harry Potter, the hero!"

"I do what I can." Harry said in a voice that dripped with ego.

"And of course you're Hermione Granger, top of the class in every subject!"

"Oh, you're really too kind, Justin, I just study a lot, you know. Anyone could do it, really"

"But you're the only one who _does_ do it, Hermione," Harry started, placing his hand on her shoulder "and that's what makes you so darn special. Sure Ron and I could do the homework – well, at least I could do the homework – but we don't, and you do."

"Hey, I take offense to that, mate." Ron objected.

"And I get the feeling you aren't entirely genuine with your tone, Harry." Hermione said, in turn.

"Prove me wrong, then, Ron, Hermione needs some competition. And Hermione, you need to stop being so insecure, you have the best grades, that's quantifiable, and I made you a Marauder specifically because I needed a criminal mastermind. I'm hurt that you would find my words to you anything less than Merlin's honest, heartfelt truth."

The conversation was truncated when professor Sprout told the class to don their ear protection.

"So what do we have after we wash up?" Ron asked

"Defense against the Dark Arts." Hermione replied.

"Oh, wow, the big day has finally arrived: you'll be meeting everyone's favorite supposed hero in the flesh." Harry commented.

"He's everyone's favorite now, is he? I'm surprised you're willing to admit you aren't everyone's favorite." Hermione responded.

"Well he's not an actual hero so he has his own list, one for people who claim to be heroes but have no evidence to back it up. It's well documented that I've already beaten Voldemort twice and, I might add, saved you from a troll. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you that your complete lack of hero worship for me following that event hurts the deepest essence of my being?"

"Yes, I think you've actually told me that a few times but I reject the very notion of your being a hero. Sure, you've done some things that might be indicative of what a hero would do, namely the three events you're so kind as to remind us all of every chance you get. Just doing these things doesn't make you a hero, however, Harry, because a hero should be humble and virtuous, among other things, and humble is one thing you simply are not."

"Oh, and Lockhart is just _so_ humble and virtuous, _now_ I understand. It has nothing to do with that freaky statutory crush you've got going on, my apologies."

"Hermione does have a point, though, Harry. About the heroes thing, not about Lockhart. That just creeps me out, actually. But heroes usually are pretty humble and sort of noble. You're more like an anti-hero."

"No, Ron, an anti-hero is someone that is a hero but doesn't want to be. I am a hero and I want to be, that just make me a hero-hero."

Ron's English lesson was cut short by a beaming brown-haired first-year boy in Gryffindor garb with a camera hanging from around his neck.

"Harry Potter!" the boy exclaimed, offering a hand to shake Harry's as he was just finishing drying off the last remnants of his Herbology lesson "I'm Colin, Colin Creavey."

"Uh, hi there, Colin."

"Would it be alright if... uh, well do you think I could get a photograph with you?"

"A photo?"

"To take back and show my parents, I've already told them all about how I'm going to school with the boy who saved the wizarding world. And a boy in the dorm said that if I use the right potion to develop the film the pictures will move."

"Oh, well since you put it that way, let's do it. Ron, would you mind?"

Harry put on the most heroic smile he could manage and placed his arm over Colin's shoulder while Ron snapped a quick photo and handed the camera back.

"Thanks, Harry!"

"No problem, kid."

"Do you think you could sign it once I develop it?"

"Why not?"

"Awesome!" And with that Colin ran off to his next class.

"Did you see that, Hermione?" Harry asked as he turned to her wearing a smile that covered his whole face "I think that was pretty heroic. Like a minister of magic or something. Epic."

"Handing out signed photos now, are we?" Draco asked, accompanied by his usual tone of condescension.

"Only to the good little boys and girls, I'm afraid that you and your henchmen there don't qualify. But hey, something to strive for, right? They're probably pretty valuable."

"Then maybe you can give one to the weasel there and his family can sell it to buy themselves some dignity or something."

"Hey, you take that back!" Ron yelled, making a move toward Draco, only to be held back by Harry.

"Calm down, Ron," Harry consoled him, placing his hand on Ron's shoulder "if you punch him now you'll get blood all over hands and then we'll have to go wash up again and we just came from there. You need to save this sort of thing for immediately after Herbology otherwise we'll just be late for Lockhart's writing lessons and I heard we're covering fiction this year so we don't want to miss that over a git like Malfoy." "No offense." Harry said with a glance to Malfoy.

"None taken." Malfoy said in reply

"Damn, I was lying about the 'no offense' part." "And Ron, if there's anything the Malfoys have taught us it's that you can't buy dignity no matter how rich you are, not that you'd need any." Harry said, then turning to Draco "Now, Don't you have some small children you have to go torture or something? I'm not motivated enough to have a verbal sparring match with you all the way to class."

"Don't worry about that, I don't want to spend much time close to mudbloods and blood traitors, people might start to think that's an OK thing to do."

"Yes, wouldn't want anyone to think you're tolerant or anything. Run along, now." Harry said Draco and his pair of thugs walked past.

"Did you hear what he called Hermione?" Ron asked, fuming.

"Yes, but she doesn't know she's supposed to be offended so I think it might be OK."

"What was supposed to offend me?"

"'Mudblood.'" Ron answered in a tone of disgust. "It's a bad word for people with muggle parents. Since the Malfoys are pureblood they like to pick on anyone who isn't."

"Don't worry though" Harry said, reassuringly "My mum's parents were muggles and look how I turned out! Maybe, one day, you, too, can hope to give birth to a son as awesome and heroic as me."

"Suddenly I find that I don't think I want any children." Hermione said with a laugh.

"Oh, there's no pressure, it's not like every witch with muggle parents has a son that's as heroic as me so no one will be super disappointed if you have a kid who isn't. But I'd like to think everyone has just a little bit of disappointment when they realize their child isn't me."

"Oh, good, because before you said that I was going to be very disappointed if my future child was more similar me and his father than he was to a man that had no relation to him but you've put those fears to rest."

"That's what I'm here for, Hermione!" Harry said as they walked into the classroom.

"Harry Potter!" Lockhart yelled from the front of the classroom as they made their way to seats in the middle of the classroom.

"Oh, Merlin" Harry mumbled to Ron and Hermione. "Hello, Professor."

"I had really hoped I'd see you at my book signing in Diagon Alley."

"Ah, sorry to disappoint, we didn't know it was happening, but if we had heard of it I'm sure Hermione here would have been sure to have us all there and at the front of the line." At this Hermione drove her heel into Harry's foot.

"She's a big fan of yours, you see." Ron added, earning an elbow to the ribs.

"In fact, if you could sign her copies of some of your books some time I bet she'd be thrilled. Wouldn't you, Hermione?" Harry said smiling at her.

This time, instead of a physical attack, Hermione discretely pointed her wand and him and whispered "Petrificus totalus." "That really won't be necessary, professor, I'm sure you're very busy." Hermione said.

"Oh nonsense, my girl! Bring them during my office hours some time. Anything for an adoring young fan. Isn't that right, Harry? I heard some boys in the hall saying you've been giving out some signed photos of your own."

Hermione had wrapped her arm around Harry's stiff shoulders and rocked him back and forth to give a sort of entire-body 'yes' nod.

"Well just remember not to let it all go to your head too quick. You've got a ways to go before you're me." Lockhart said with a smile and Hermione made the still frozen Harry give another 'nod.'

It wasn't until Lockhart had begun the day's lesson that she unfroze him.

"Bitch." he whispered as soon as she unfroze him.

"What was that?"

"Bitch – it's a derogatory phrase usually aimed at women, it can also mean a female dog. You can decide how I meant it there."

"I know what it means I was just hoping you might show a little more respect if I did that."

"No, you made your point, I just have such little respect for people in general, don't take it personally."

"I think Hermione's been hanging out with my sister too much. Just a few hours of exposure and our sweet, innocent little Hermione is threatening you with hexes." Ron said.

Hermione glared daggers at him.

"Kidding, just kidding. Besides, we all know you would have used the bat-bogey hex if it was my sister's fault."

"You froze me before I could ask him to make the 'a' in Lockhart a little heart when he signed the books for you." Harry said, disappointed.

Before Hermione could express her dismay they were interrupted by the sound of the entire class laughing.

"Pixies?" Seamus asked the professor between laughs. "That's the sort of scary creatures you had to conquer in your adventures."

"Among other things" Lockhart said defensively "It's not like I'm going to bring in warewolves for 2nd years and I think you'll find pixies plenty challenging. Now, Orville, was it?" He said to Neville, who was next to the cage of pixies "open up the cage and let them all out."

As Neville opened the cage the room flooded with pixies who started dive-bombing the students, sending the classroom into chaos.

"Calm down down, children. If you just send a simple stunning hex like-" but Lockhart was interrupted as one pixie knocked the wand from his hand and another flew full speed in to the back of his head, sending him diving for cover beneath his desk.

"So brave and heroic" Harry said in tones laden with admiration while smirking at Hermione "Clearly the books are all true. Now, why don't you try freezing some pixies this time instead of your heroic friend?"

"This doesn't prove anything" Hermione said as the trio went to work taking down some pixies to protect their frightened classmates. "Those pixies double-teamed him."

"It's alright Hermione, admitting you're wrong is hard to do... I've heard. Never actually needed to do it myself, but I imagine it's difficult. That's ok, though, I'm your friend and I know you'll occasionally make mistake but I accept you for who are." Harry said in overly sincere tones met with a bemused look on Hermione's face. "Even if you used to be a girl with a thing for much older men – which you are- and even if that creeps me out - which it does. So it's alright, I accept your apology." Harry said cheerily.

They spent the rest of class in a corner trying to pick off the pixies that got too close to their classmates who were largely hiding under desks. When the bell rang the everyone ran for the door to leave, including Lockhart, who looked at Harry, Ron and Hermione as he was going out the door.  
"I'll... just let you three finish up the rest of these! Good work!" and he slammed the door.

"The picture of nobility" Ron said feigning a look of admiration at the door Lokhart just shut.

"Oh shut up, you two." Hermione snapped.

"I think it would be fitting to leave her to clean up her hero's mess. Since I already have no virtue I don't think anyone could think negatively of me for it, right?" Harry asked Ron.

"I think that's a good idea, and it's probably safest, too. Last time you tried to do something nice for her by getting all those books signed she froze you. If you helped her now she might freeze you and lock you in a cupboard or something." Ron agreed.

"If you two don't stop acting like prats I'm going to one worse than locking your frozen bodies in a cupboard. I'll test that bat-bogey hex your sister taught on you two." Hermione said sternly.

"Shit. She taught you that?" Ron asked, his voice waivering.

"We were just kidding anyways, Hermione. You know we like you too much to make you clean up this mess by yourself. We are going to have to talk about that temper of yours, however. All this talk of where to hide the bodies has me concerned for your health." Harry said.

"And ours." Ron added.

And with that the three said about finishing up the work Lockhart had deserted them to.

"That git made us late for lunch and I'm starving after getting all those pixies. I stayed out of it before but I think I'm with Harry completely now. There's no way Lockhart did anything he said he did in those books." Ron said.

"OK, Harry might have been right about Lockhart, there's a possibility he isn't as great a person as I thought he was." Hermione conceded as they made there way to the Gryffindor table.

"And?" Harry prodded.

"And what?" Hermione asked a little edgy, as they sat down.

"I think you forgot the part where you apologize for attacking my heroic merits and for hexing me in class and for threatening to hex both me and Ron."

"No, I think you guys pretty much deserved all of that, you especially, Harry." Hermione said.

"Did you use that hex I taught you on the train on Harry?" Ginny asked excitedly.

"No, only threatened me and Ron with it as a punishment for being correct. So thanks a lot for teaching her that." Harry replied, laying the sarcasm on thick.

"Well a girl has to know how to stand up for herself, right?" Ginny asked, grinning at Harry.

"I think I prefer the old Hermione, actually." Ron said.

"Yeah, she was much safer to be around and definitely would never have threatened her best friends with bodily injury."

A/N: Less than two weeks between chapters, I'm slowly but surely getting my pace back up there, this was a 3400 word chapter, too, plus it had lots of cannon references, so kudos to me.

I started listening to the Chamber of Secrets audiobook (the Jim Dale version, which is amazing, it's like sex for your ears) and Draco makes fun of Harry for agreeing to sign a photo and JKR's Harry totally pusses out. This bothered me because my Harry is, of course, not a pussy and signing photos isn't even an insultable activity (except maybe if Lockhart is doing it but that's because he's a git) so I had to correct this indiscretion by giving my Harry a shot at it.


	7. Maybe she deserves to cry

That night in the common room Harry, Ron, Fred, and George set to work on their plans for the first prank of the first semester.

"You figure out our first target yet, Harry?" Ron asked excitedly.

"Well, right up until I met the guy it was looking like Lockhart but I think he can humiliate himself enough without our help." Harry replied.

"So are the stories true?" "He hid under his desk because of some pixies and ran out of the classroom?" Fred and George asked.

"Yup, made us clean up his mess, too. Missed half my lunch because of that git." Ron replied.

"So who are we pranking then, Harry?" "Snape?" "Filtch?" The twins asked, offering up the same ideas as they had that morning.

"I was thinking something a little bigger than that. What about the entire house of Slytherin?"

"How?" "And why?" "Not that we're against a little house rivalry." The twins inquired.

"The 'how' is something I'm afraid we might need Hermione's help with. I'm thinking we find some way to set off a stink bomb in their common room. And the why? Well Draco Malfoy thought it would be OK to call Ron and me bloodtraitors and to call Hermione a mudblood. Bless her heart." He added feigning concern. "Which is why I suggest he be the method we employ to deliver the stink bomb to the common room."

"What's the stink bomb going to be made out of?" "And how will we time it?" "And can I punch Draco?" "Or can I?" The twins asked in rapid succession.

"I think we'll need Hermione for those first two and I really don't recommend physical contact in case whatever is wrong with him is viral. Plus it won't solve anything and his dad's got a lot of clout, he could probably get you guys expelled."

"Damn." Ron said, disappointed. "I would have liked to see that happen."

"As would we all, Ron. As would we all. Now, I feel like Hermione might be less than cooperative in this venture but just leave her to me. Still, I think it'd be smart to have a backup plan so you two think up some alternatives. I'd like to get this done tomorrow, quidditch practice starts soon and it really cuts into the prank planning time."

"Sounds good. Until tomorrow, then?" Ron asked, getting up and yawning.

"Until tomorrow. I think that officially concludes the first meeting of the Marauders for this school year."

"I think the boys are up to something, Ginny." Hermione said, looking at Ron, Harry, Fred, and George who each had a mischievous smile on their face.

"Probably. It'd be more surprising if they weren't, really."

"I guess, but I don't know why they can't, I don't know, study or something. Or at least just behave."

"Why? Well because they're boys, mostly, and they're just acting like it. Speaking of which, did you really hex Harry today?"

Hermione looked at her lap a little embarrassed "Well he kept going on to Lockhart about how I was such a big fan and wanted him to sign my books and such."

"So what'd you do?"

"Well I just petrified him until Lockhart got into the lesson. And I, uh, I might have threatened Harry and Ron with the bat-bogey hex when they threatened to leave me by myself with all those pixies."  
"Pixies? Lockhart ran away from pixies? Guess he's not all you thought he was."

"I guess not."

"But now I can see why you're so paranoid about the boys having meeting with you not there. You were sort of wrong, and you got mad at them because they were right, which is kind of what you always complain about them doing. I'd be pretty freaked out, too, if I were on their bad side. The bat-bogey hex can only go so far, you know?"

"Of course you're freaked out around Harry even though you're not on his bad side..." Hermione said giving Ginny a sly look.

"I have no idea what you're talking about! I was perfectly composed today."

"Today... so you admit that you usually lose the ability to speak and control of your basic motor function around him on other days?"

Ginny blushed. "Oh, so you noticed that?"

"Just a little." Hermione said with a consoling smile.

"It's just... my parents read me fairy tales about Hairy Potter as a little girl and now he's here, in the flesh. In the VERY attractive flesh, I might add."

"That's a dangerous road to down, Ginny. I've known Harry for over a year and he goes through girls like they're a dime a dozen. That's what happens when a boy is raised by a middle-aged bachelor. Did you know he has a competition going on with Sirius to see if he can beat his record for the most girls snogged at Hogwarts?"

"I guess some of that stuff sounds bad but... he's just so... perfect. And maybe I'm worth more than a contest. I just need a shot to show him."

"Harry's not one to get attached. He went through, like, a dozen girls last year and I'll bet you they all thought they'd be the one to change Harry Potter. Plus he's already got his eyes on some girl in Ravenclaw. But look, I'm not going to tell you who you can and can't have a crush on, Ginny, but if I were you I wouldn't be placing my bets on Harry. Of course if I were you I wouldn't even consider Harry. You just haven't heard the way he talks about women like they're just... objects. It's disgusting."

"But can't a girl dream?"

"Not if she keeps putting her elbow in the mashed potatoes while she does it." Hermione said with laugh.

"I think I'm over that. My mom got me this diary and I've been writing in it, I feel like it's given me some confidence. At least enough to not freak out every time he's near me."

"Well I think that's great. And if Harry says anything about you I'll let you know, but don't get your hopes up, and I mean that."

"Thanks, Hermione. We should probably get to bed, it looks like the boys are going." Ginny said, watching as all the male Marauders stood up. "But they didn't give you any evil stares so I think you might be safe for the next 24 hours, so that's good news." she said with a laugh.

"You know I really wasn't scared until I talked to you."

Harry made his way to the dining hall early, at least earlier than most of the people he usually sat with, but this was the plan. Specifically the plan to get there before Hermione, but the fewer witnesses the better, not that he was doing anything overtly suspicious. Well, actually, Harry Potter reading a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ was sort of suspicious if you knew what you were looking for, but most people don't know what they're looking for. Of course Harry didn't have a subscription to the Prophet but that's what the Ravenclaw table is for, right? Harry, spotting a grouping of third year girls, each with their own copy of the paper, had found his target.

"Hello _ladies_." Harry said with a flirty look on his face. "I was wondering if one of you wouldn't mind letting me borrow your paper -" Three copies of the prophet were thrust in his face. "-when you're done." This caught even him by surprise. "Err, thanks" He said, grabbing the nearest one "I'll probably have it back to you before Breakfast is over..." he said, waiting for a name.

"Marietta" Said the girl whose paper he'd taken.

"Marietta. Thanks."

Just as he reached the head of the table he saw Cho heading to the table. Harry simply shot her a wink as he had larger plans to work on at the moment.

Harry had no trouble grabbing his usual seat at the still mostly-empty Gryffindor table. He ruffled through the pages of the prophet until he found the page he was looking for. He removed his quill and bottle of ink and started writing on the paper while munching on some breakfast. A few minutes later the Gryffindor table started to fill up with students, including Ron and Hermione.

"I didn't know you read the newspaper, Harry." Hermione said with some surprise.

"Oh, I don't _read_ it, there are too many words for me, you know that. I just get it for the crossword and the funny pages." He replied with a smile.

"Well I've never seen you with a copy of it before." She said with a tone of suspicion.

"That's because we're usually too late to breakfast for me to have time for it. I just do it in the dorm. Right, Ron?"

"What? Err, yeah. Yeah, Harry always has his paper out in the dorms, he's like a regular scholar up there."

"_Nice save_" Harry thought.

"Hmm, right. Well this could be a good thing, Perhaps one day you'll read it and accidentally learn something, though I don't guess that's too likely with the _Prophet_." Hermione said, still giving Harry a look of scrutiny.

"Nah, it'd hurt my image."

The three went about eating their breakfast for a while until Harry broke the silence "Hey, Hermione. What's an 8 letter name for a petrification hex?"

"Oh, bodybind! Oh..." She said, suddenly realizing why Harry asked her for that clue

"Oh... Indeed. That must be a little awkward for you. Don't worry, I don't think there are any clues asking for an 8 letter word for 'Pretends to be a hero' so we should be alright."

More silence.

"What's a word for 'commonly available substance noted for it's particularly putrid smell'?"

"Hmm, I guess it could be essence of brimstone, that's not really common, though, is it? What about stinksap? How many letters is it supposed to have, again?"

"Uh, 8. It looks like stinksap works. And that must be it because the next hint asks for a place stinksap can be easily found."

"Well the mimbulus mimbletonia has stinksap and they're in greenhouse 1. But that's a pretty rare plant." Neville said as he took a seat next to them at the table.

"Well most people would get it at the apothecary I'd think." Hermione said.

"Excellent! That fits. Now, I've got 'a charm for making device similar to a timebomb."

"That's a clue in the crossword?" Hermione add eying Harry very suspiciously.

"Yeah, I think they might have gotten the guy that used to write the Quibbler's crosswords or something."

"Let me see it." Hermione said grasping at the page.

"You don't believe me?" Harry asked innocently as he yanked the page away.

"No. Accio crossword." Hermione said as the paper seemed to crawl out of Harry's grasp of it's own accord. "That's not a clue! Neither was the stinkstap stuff! Not even bodybind. In fact, you've just filled out random letters in the boxes, these aren't even words."

As Hermione was yelling at the paper indignantly Harry took the opportunity to slowly get up and head stealthily toward the Ravenclaw table. Just as Hermione realized her target audience had disappeared Harry sat down at the Ravenclaw table to the complete the illusion of vanishing.

"I'm just going to hide out here for about 60 seconds if that's cool with you guys." Harry said, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.

"Who are you hiding from?" The voice to his left asked him.

"Hermione." Harry answered as he turned to see who asked him. Cho Chang. "Oh, you're Cho, right? I'm Harry Potter."

All the girls at the table suddenly looked at Cho.

"Yes, I'm Cho," she said, blushing a little "and I think everyone in this school knows you're Harry Potter, you know, lightening scar and stuff."

"True, but it would destroy this illusion of humility I've established if I didn't at least try to act like I should introduce myself."

The girls around him giggled.

"Oh, and here's your paper, Marietta, sorry but I think the crossword might be missing. You can ask Hermione for it but I wouldn't if I were you."

The bell rang signaling the end of breakfast.

"Well, I've got to get to charms and timing my arrival to match the start of class without bumping into Hermione could be tricky. Alas, I must bid you fair ladies adieu." Harry said, to their disappointment. "But you" he said, pointing at Cho "You and I should make out some time... or go to Hogsmeade or something." Harry said right before walked away. Cho just blushed while her girlfriends giggled at her and started talking about how cool it would be to go on a date with Harry Potter.

Harry arrived in Professor Flitwick's class just before the bell rang. When he sat down next to Ron Hermione got up from the table and moved to go sit with Parvati and Lavender.

"What got a bee up her bonnet?" Harry asked Ron.

"She thinks you're up to no good, mate. Doesn't want a part of it. I think that crossword trick was bloody brilliant, though." Ron replied.

"Thanks, I do what I can. Do you know if Fred and George figured out a delivery system yet?"

"I don't think so, they looked like they were still thinking up ideas at breakfast but even if they had one they wouldn't have mentioned it with Hermione there.

"Smart."  
Just as Professor Flitwick started to speak Neville opened the door.

"Sorry professor, I got lost." He said in a huff and he walked over to sit down by Harry and Ron.

Flitwick started his lesson again.

"I guess Hermione isn't too happy." Neville observed in a whisper.

"But when is she ever?" Ron asked.

"Neville, I need your help for some strictly confidential and very official Marauder business." Harry said, seriously.

"Does this mean I'm a marauder?"

"No, but you're sort of like a marauder mercenary which sounds cooler anyway. Remember that plant you talked about at breakfast?"

"The mimbulus mimbletonia?"

"Sure, that. You said it's in the greenhouse. How hard would it be for you to sneak in and get some stinksap from it?"

"Not that difficult, I guess, I help professor Sprout water and prune the plants at lunch sometimes."

"Wait, what?" Ron interjected.

"Never mind him, Neville. We need enough stinksap to make an area the size of - oh, I don't know, let's say... a common room, for example – smell really bad. Can you do that?"

"Sure."

"Excellent."

It was a very normal morning for Harry which, when you think about it, should seem very abnormal considering who we're talking about, but most people don't think about it. Fred and George were acting equally normal – they were veterans at not getting caught – the same could not be said for Ron, however, he just hadn't yet figured out how to stay calm. As soon as the four boys met in the common room to head down the Great Hall he was giddy with excitement

"Do you think the plan worked? Do you think they'll know who did it?"

"If you keep acting like that they'll know who did it, for sure. Ron, I'm going to have to ask you calm down." Harry said.

"This is just really exciting, I mean there were so many things that could go wrong. Like if the charms on the paper didn't work. I'm just nervous."

"Chill." Was all Harry said, and Ron seemed to get the idea.

The halls were abuzz with whispers – no doubt about the prank – as they walked to breakfast. Somehow it seemed everyone in the school knew what exactly had happened EXCEPT the marauders. "_If it failed completely no one would be talking about it all, right? Of course I don't guess I really know what everyone's whispering about but it's a safe guess." _Harry thought to himself.

All questions were answered when they sat down at the Gryffindor table and Lee Jordan rushed over to them.

"Guess what happened in the Slytherin common room last night after dinner." He said smiling.

"Uh, Snape gave up all pretense of civility and started beating students publicly for punishment instead of giving detentions." Harry replied.

"Wait, what? No. Although he might do that when you hear what happened. Snape was just leaving the common room as Draco was walking in and right at that moment a stink bomb went off. I heard it from Blaise. He said a firework went off in Draco's backpack and sent this goo stuff all over the common room, he said it smelled horrible and, judging by the fact that their table smells sort of funny this morning I believe him."

Harry, Ron, Fred, and George couldn't stop laughing long enough to get a word in at this point until finally Harry managed:

"So what was Draco trying to do with a stink bomb then?"

"Well that's the thing, I heard Dumbledore looked at it and figured out that it wasn't your average firework gone off unexpectedly. It was actually a firecracker and stinksap inside a howler addressed to the Slytherin common room-"

"Well how's he know where it was addressed to?" Ron interrupted

"Because whoever made it had to write the recipient on it. At least they were smart enough not to put their return address." Dean answered.

"Oh" Ron said.

"So they're pretty sure that Draco wouldn't try to stink bomb his own common room, especially not from his backpack." Dean continued.

"Awesome." Fred, George, Ron, and Harry all said at once.

Hermione cleared her throat and gave them a stern look that caused Dean to move down the table to tell more people.

"Have you progressed from the silent treatment to the stern-look-and-throat-noise treatment or something?" Harry asked her.

"Uh, well, the thing is-" She started.

"I think we're off the silent treatment altogether, mate!" Ron interjected.

"Right. Well, see, I might have told Professor McGonagall that I suspected you four were up to something involving stinksap." Seeing the shock hit the boys' faces she realized she had recover this quickly "But look, before you guys say anything I just wanted to say I'm SO sorry. I didn't think you were going to use it so soon, I just want-" She said it as fast as she could - as if it were one long word - but she was still interrupted by 4 different people yelling 4 different variations of:

"You did WHAT!" at the exact same time.

"Worst criminal mastermind EVER." Harry concluded.

"Well I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't steal the stinksap and do anything dangerous with it. I didn't know you'd already done something." She said, getting visibly upset.

"Why would you even tell her about the stinksap even if you didn't know we were about to use it? It's not like it's harmful, it just stinks." Ron said, angrily.

"L-look, I thought you guys might s-still be... m-mad... at me. Because of hexxing Ha-harry ye-yesterday. I th-thought you were going to t-try to u-use it on m-me" she said crying before she got up and ran out of the Great Hall.

"I hate crying girls." Ron said.

"Amen to that." Harry said as the boys raised their glasses in a toast.

Ginny gave them a dirty look.

"Hey, this is her fault, not ours, so don't give us that look. Maybe she deserves to cry a little."

Ginny slapped all four boys on the back of the head as she left the Great Hall to find Hermione.

"Women." Ron said.

They toasted again.

"Might as well enjoy our last few minutes of freedom, gents." Harry said taking a swig of his pumpkin juice.

The four boys all picked at their food with their heads hung low. To anyone watching it wouldn't look unlike four death row inmates enjoying a last meal, although 'enjoying' probably isn't the best word to describe it.

And that's when professor McGonagall walked up, her mouth as thin as ever.

"Boys, the headmaster would like to have a talk with you all, please come with me."


	8. A Mixed Message

"So I slept on it" Ron said to Harry, pulling a shirt over his head "and I'm still pretty pissed off at Hermione."

"I know." Harry replied as he, too, got dressed.

"Then why'd you tell me to sleep on it last night?" Ron asked

"Because if you were still going to be mad at her in the morning then I figured you could tell me about it then instead of at 1AM when I could be sleeping instead."

"Oh." Ron said, thinking for a moment. "But aren't you mad at her, too?"

Harry's countenance took on a sudden seriousness "Ron, I'm not so much mad at Hermione as disappointed." Harry let that sink in for a moment before breaking into a huge grin. "But seriously, I see no benefit to me getting angry with her. I'm sure you, Fred, and George will give her enough of that. Now, don't get me wrong, a month of detention is pretty awful-"

"Oh, yeah, having to help Lockhart autograph his fan mail is _so_ hard." Ron interrupted. "You know Fred, George, and I have to dust all the trophies with Filtch tomorrow."

"And you know that I would be more than happy to trade you if I could, but I can't. At least I only have to be with Lockhart for a day. Back to the matter at hand, though: you, Fred, and George will probably give Hermione the silent treatment or something for a few days and then get over it, and that's fine. I like to take my time, however. Hermione has a key weakness: a conscience. She actually does feel bad about what she did and that's exploitable." Harry explained as they made the descent into the common room.

"How's that?" Ron asked.

"I can't give away all my tricks, especially not in present company." Harry said gesturing with his head to where Hermione and Ginny had just exited the girl's staircase.

Seeing them, Ron quickened his pace toward the exit but Hermione's fierce powerwalk caught her up to them at the portrait.

"I just wanted to say that I understand why you're mad and me and that I'm SO sorry about what happened." Hermione said in a rush.

"Good, you should be." Harry said flatly.

"I was so afraid you guys were already mad at me for what I did that I did something worse, and I'm sorry." Hermione explained.

"I think that's called projecting, right? Because you have no qualms hurting your friends you assume that everyone else is the same. I can understand your concern." Harry said, coldly.

"You know we each got a straight month of detention? Even on weekends. And you can bet Snape is going to try schedule his shifts to keep Harry, Fred, and George from quidditch practice or games. You probably just lost the house cup for us." Ron said, fuming.

"Look, I said I was sorry, I messed up, but I can't fix any of that." Hermione said, as she pushed past them.

"Did you know she was crying all last night because she didn't know what they did to you prats? I have no idea why she cares what you guys think with how you're treating her." Ginny spat.

"She basically just lost the Quidditch cup for us and got us each a solid month of detention, you don't think we're allowed to be a little pissed off?" Ron asked.

"And Hermione feels horrible about all of those things. I know you guys can't understand because you only care about yourselves but it's killing Hermione that she made all that happen. You guys are supposed to be her best friends, you should act like it." Ginny finished, before running to catch up with Hermione.

"I don't understand girls." Ron said to no one in particular.

"Me neither." "Also me." Fred and George chimed in behind them.

"I do. I think we might want to take it easy with Hermione for a bit, I think she's learned her lesson, even if it did almost certainly cost us the House Cup." Harry said.

"And a month of detention, each." "Plus last night's detention got in the way of dinner and, I don't know if those sandwiches Snape brought were enough for you guys but I was still starving" Fred and George said.

With that on their mind they walked in silence the rest of the way to the Great Hall.

Once they entered, however, they were greated with high fives and pats on the back, even from students who weren't in Gryffindor. Now that news had spread that they really had pulled off the greatest house prank in recent history, the celebrity status of the Marauders had come back in force.

Unfortunately for Hermione the full details of the event coming out meant that everyone else in Gryffindor had also worked out that she might have lost them the cup, what with the points taken from the four Marauders (75 points each for the prank, less the 25 points they gave Hermione for 'doing the right thing') and the fact that they'd probably lose at Quidditch with both beaters and the only seeker missing most of the practices. All of this meant that she had trouble finding a seat at the Gryffindor table, although a few Slytherins offered her a spot at their table.

"They'll get over it" Ginny said trying to comfort Hermione.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll all blow over next year." Hermione pouted.

"I think you're being way too over-dramatic with this. I'll talk with the boys and see if I can't... convince them to call the dogs off."

Ginny walked over to do just that but decided Hermione would not appreciate Ginny begging for mercy on her behalf while their entire house surrounded her. Besides, there were too many witnesses for her planned method of 'convincing' them, so she returned.

"I'll talk to them in the common room." Ginny said when she walked back.

As the admirer's started thin out the day's owls started to make their rounds. An owl Harry recognized as belonging to Sirius dropped a red envelope in front of him, followed immediately by a similar envelope dropped between Ron, Fred, and George, addressed to the three of them. Their envelope was already starting to smoke.

"You guys might want to go first, that looks ready to blow." Harry pointed out.

Ron carefully opened the envelope until the letter jumped out on it's own accord and started yelling with his mother's voice.

"Fred, George, and Ron! You should know better! Your father and I got Dumbledore's letter's by owl last night. Do you know how embarrassing it is to receive a letter from the headmaster about three of your children? And setting off explosives on a student and ruining a common room, I can't believe you three thought that was a good idea! You think howlers are really clever and funny, do you? Great for pranks? What do you think of this one? And don't even try to tell me that Harry Potter talked you into it this time, after this I'm starting to think you're just as bad as he is. Your father and I are considering having you come home for Christmas just so we can make you spend the break doing chores. I really hope you think long and hard about your future before you ever even think of doing something as idiotic as this again."

Ron, Fred, and George were all blushing red and the Great Hall was totally silent.

Harry broke the silence after a few seconds "Alright, me next!"

Harry opened the envelope to his howler and Sirius' laughter boomed throughout the hall. "Just got Dumbledore's letter about the stink bomb in Slytherin, I understand Snivelous was right next to it, too, that's great! I thought I'd send this in a howler since I'm told that you're very familiar with them. Honestly, Harry, I couldn't be prouder, you're truly your father's son. You and your friends do the Marauder name proud." Then, in a more quieter voice Sirius implored "By the way, for both our sakes you might not want to mention this to Remus."

As the letter stopped talking most of the children in the hall started laughing and conversations began again.

"That was bloody awesome!" Ron exclaimed.

"Right on, mate." "Sirius is awesome." Fred and George agreed.

"And it sounds like you guys might get to go home for Christmas, so that should be fun, right?" Harry said jokingly.

"Let's hope not, I don't think they ever made any of our brothers come home for Christmas as punishment." Ron said

"You know pretty much everyone else in the school would think going home for Christmas is a good thing." Harry pointed out.

"Well they don't have to degnome the garden." "Or dust the attic where the ghoul is." "Or-"

"OK, I get it" Harry said, interrupting Fred and George. "Plus if you guys went home for Christmas I'd go, too, and then you wouldn't be so lucky as to be graced with my presence over your holiday."

"You joke but it's almost true. Sometimes I feel like we need a Harry Potter around the house to handle mum, of course she'd probably have you doing chores all day if she ever heard you talk." Ron said.

"Yeah, I kind of get that vibe from her but it doesn't really matter, it's not like I'm dating you or something. If you guys want to hang out at the Dog House just tell your parents you're going to Neville's house or something."

"That's not a bad idea." Ron said.

"I really don't see why it's necessary, though. I mean, honestly, how many dark wizards do I need to defeat for her to realize I deserve a hero's welcome? I saved your life last year, too, I might add."

"She heard stories about what Sirius and your dad did here and didn't like them at all. Since you're just like them I suspect the fact that you're famous means nothing." Ron said.

"Man, I hate people that don't judge me by my looks alone."

"Me, too" Fred chimed in. "I don't know why, I'm better looking." George replied.

"Has anyone ever told you two that you look very similar? I mean the resemblance is uncanny." Harry asked.

"Yeah, someone told us that once." Fred replied.

"Well you two should look into it, you might be relatives or something. However, I've got to leave you now,gentlemen, as I have a date to schedule. I'll see you two at quidditch practice after breakfast, right?" He said to Fred and George.

"Yup." "See ya there." The twins replied.

"And good luck with Cho." Ron added.

"Thanks but luck's got nothing to do with it, though I think the Marauder's Map might." Harry said over his shoulder as he walked to the Ravenclaw table.

He sat right next to Cho.

"So, wanna go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?" He asked with his most charming smile.

"You aren't a third year, yet, though." She replied.

"Did you just reject me?" Harry asked.

"No." She said blushing. "I'd like very much to go out with you but Hogsmeade weekends are only for third years and above."

"So I'll meet you at the Three Broomsticks at noon, then?" Harry asked.

"But how-" Cho started to protest.

"Look, if you don't want to go out with me you can just say so, you don't have to try to find excuses."

"Fine, the Three Broomsticks at noon. I have no idea how you're going to get there, though, and I'm not going to be happy if you stand me up, Harry."

"Excellent. I'd love to stay and chat but then we'd have nothing to do tomorrow and I've got to get to the Quidditch pitch anyways. Just because you've got a date with me doesn't mean I intend to let you beat me, you know." He said, shooting Cho a grin before he left the hall.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

When everyone had finished changing into their gear for the morning's quidditch practice Oliver had them gather around to give them a pep talk.

"I feel like this is going to be the year we take back the quidditch cup, we just need to practice. We _should_ have won the cup last year, we had the best team by far, but, owing to circumstances beyond our control..." he said, looking at Harry

"Whoa, _sorry_ Oliver. Next time I save the world from a dark wizard I'll do my best to maintain consciousness. I wouldn't have bothered saving the world if I knew we would have lost the cup." Harry said in a tone thick with sarcasm that he had a feeling Oliver might still miss.

"All is forgiven, Harry. I'm glad to hear you'll remember the team before you go off and get yourself hurt again." Oliver said. The twins couldn't help chuckling to one another over their captain's one-track mind.

"So this year" Oliver continued "we'll just train even harder. I've got some new strategies here I've been working on over the summer..."

When Oliver had finished going over his strategies for what seemed to be hours the team finally headed to the pitch, only to be met with the sight of the Slytherin team approaching from the other side.

"What do you think you're doing here?" Oliver asked the opposing captain.

"Well I've got special permission from professor Snape for priority access to the pitch 'owing to the need to train the team's new seeker'" He said, quoting from the letter in his hand.

"I've had this booked since the first day back! And who's your new seeker?" Oliver asked, indignantly.

"Oh, don't worry, Professor Snape moved your time slot to 8PM tonight. And our new seeker is a surprise but I will tell you that he came with a set of Nimbus 2001's for the whole team." Flint, the Slytherin captain replied with a smirk as he brandished his new broom.

"8PM is when Fred, George, and I have detention tonight." Harry said as Fred and George both groaned.

"What a coincidence." Flint replied.

"Either that or Snape knows your team doesn't stand a chance unless he can keep half the Gryffindor team off the pitch." Harry replied dryly.

"You won't stand a chance even if you train every day from now until the game. Look at those brooms!" A blonde haired boy from behind the rest of the Slytherin team said, scoffing at Fred and George "What are those, Comet 150's? Have you guys considered just flapping your arms up and down, instead? It might work better." Malfoy finished, stepping out from behind his teammates.

"He's got a point." "Yeah. Say, Oliver, can you find _us_ a talentless git to sell a spot on _our_ team to?" "Obviously not one as hopeless as Malfoy but maybe someone who's just really really bad instead." Fred and George responded.

"Funny. You seem to forget what the best player on our team is capable of. I'm sure Hermione will manage to mess something else up for your team in a few days." Draco replied with a sneer directed somewhere over Harry's shoulder.

When Harry turned to look he saw that Hermione and Ron, who must have been in the stands, were coming onto the pitch to see what the commotion was about.

"What did you say?" Ron asked in a tone that Harry thought meant he hadn't missed a word Malfoy had said.

"I said that your mudblood is the best player on our team. If she keeps this up I'm sure she can get your whole team expelled before the 2nd game of the season." Draco replied.

Harry turned to look at Hermione who looked like she might be ready to cry again.

"Hey, Malfoy." Harry said, taking a step closer to the boy. "Fuck you."

Harry landed a strong right hook into Draco's jaw that sent him stumbling to the ground, then, with a deadpan expression, simply turned around and walked back to the castle while everyone just stared at him.

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Punching Malfoy and then calmly walking away was pretty badass, in fact Harry was pretty sure it would be the sort of legendary moment people remember for years to come. Harry figured that, because walking around school and punching more people was impractical, the next best thing to do would be to disappear for the rest of the day. Harry had no classes which made it easier to disappear; he simply stayed in the dorm. After finishing every piece of homework he'd been given since the first day he started to wonder if being awesome and mysterious was really worth it if it meant doing homework all day.

"_One thing's for sure, the rumors about what I did while I disappeared had better be AWESOME. If not I'm going to have to seriously limit the number of epic moments I create this year. If I'm not careful all this homework and all these detentions might make me accidentally learn something._" Harry thought to himself.

As 8PM drew near Harry began putting away his books so he could head to Lockhart's office.

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Detention with Lockhart was about as awkward as Harry thought it would be. Lockhart offered Harry more advice on how to be a celebrity, Harry pointed out the man's obvious incompetence, and then the two spent the next hours working on the fan mail in silence for the most part. Harry was ecstatic when he finally got to leave, even when Lockhart wasn't talking Harry just couldn't to be near the man. Once Lockhart had shut the door Harry donned the invisibility cloak that was in his bag just in case Snape might happen to bump in to him an give him detention for being out in the halls so late, because that's what Snape does.

About halfway back to the dorm Harry thought he heard whispering. 'Come. Come to me. Let me rip you. Let me tear you. Let me kill you.' It stopped Harry dead in his tracks. He quietly backed against the wall and check both end of the hall but saw no one. He stayed there for 5 minutes but for what felt like an eternity. Finally he decided he must have imagined it if none of the teachers had come running into the hall. _Spending the day alone and doing probably makes your head start doing weird things, right? _He thought. _It's a wonder Hermione's not completely mental._

When Harry returned to the common room it was already empty, so he went straight up to bed and fell asleep.

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The next morning Ron started asking Harry questions before they even made it to the common room.

"Where'd you go yesterday?"

"I actually just spent most of the day right here."

"Well why'd you do that? Everyone was talking about you punching Malfoy and then no one could find you all day."

"I think you answered your own question. The only thing cooler than punching Malfoy is punching him and disappearing. You probably shouldn't tell people that, though, it's better to let them imagine I spent the rest of the day punching other people or wrestling trolls or whatever the rumors say I did."

"Gotcha. So how'd your detention go? You still went to that, right?"

"Yeah, it was pretty bad. Lockhart had the nerve to lecture me on how to be a proper celebrity, that guy's delusional."

"That's still better than cleaning trophies under Filtch's command." Ron said as they made their way toward the stairs to the common room.

"I'm not so sure about that but I've got a question for you: you and Hermione were at practice together, does that mean you're friends again?" Harry asked.

"Eh, kind of. I figured what you said about her beating herself up over it was probably true. Besides, we've got an essay due on Monday for potions and I probably couldn't do it without her. And you're still friends with her, aren't you?" Ron asked.

"I was never not friends with her. I just happen to know that this is exploitable, if I ever need Hermione to do something she normally wouldn't I just casually remind of that time she totally stabbed us in the back and the problem is solved." Harry answered.

"That's clever, but don't you think that's a little... evil?" Ron asked as they entered the common room.

"It's not like it's something I plan on doing every day, I have some self control, I promise to save it for an emergency." Harry answered.

Their mind quickly turned to other things when a bundle of bushy brown hair jumped up from a couch and started running towards Harry. Hermione grabbed Harry into a tight hug for several seconds, then let go and smacked him on the back of his head.

"Ow! Merlin, Hermione, I think you're sending a mixed message here." Harry said as a very tired-looking Ginny joined them.

"The hug is because I appreciate that you stood up for me and that we're friends again. And the slap was because I can't believe you thought punching Malfoy was the best way to accomplish that." Hermione answered.

"What makes you think that just because I risked expulsion to defend your honor makes us friends again?" Harry asked with a cheeky grin. This time it was Ginny who delivered the smack to the back of the head.

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A/N: Did you see I called a vacation a holiday and a field a pitch? I'm feeling so British. Now I just need to have a character mispronounce "aluminum" to complete the illusion...

That reminds me of a joke I thought of the other day:

How do you know that _Harry Potter_ is fiction?

It's set in the UK yet both of Hermione's parents are dentists.

Well, I thought it was funny, anyway.

I should let you know that the next chapter will be Halloween. For real this time. I had a lot of fun with this but people keep bitching to jump the Harry/Ginny stuff which is mostly 3rd year. You guys are insufferable, really, because when I skipped year one I got people who wished I didn't. I just can't win with you guys.

And thanks to user Tanny Apple for proofreading this chapter for me.


	9. You say womanizer like it's a bad thing

When the bell rang in Professor Flitwick's classroom everyone packed their bags quickly, it was the day before the Halloween feast and everyone was excited.

"I can't wait until tomorrow." Ron thought out loud.

"They should really make it a dance. I've always thought I looked best in dress robes." Harry said.

"Well then I'd have to find a date." Ron with a look that showed just how much this idea frightened him.

"It's not that hard, really." Harry said.

"Speaking of which, how are you and Cho doing?" Hermione asked.

"We broke up like a week ago." Harry replied.

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't be. That witch was crazy. I snuck out last Hogsmeade weekend and met up with her at the Three Broomsticks. We were talking over some butterbeer when she just sort of freaked out. She said I was too flirty. She's jealous of pretty much every girl in Gryffindor and half of the rest of the girls in school. I told her to chill out and then she started crying."

"Crying girls are the worst." Ron said before immediately shifting to a defensive position in anticipation of Hermione hitting him, but she was too caught up in Harry's story.

"Well you do flirt with pretty much every girl. When she raised a perfectly rational point about this you just told you girlfriend to 'chill out.' I can understand where she's coming from." Hermione said.

"Really? Because she said I was spending too much time around you. She thought I might be cheating on her with you!" Harry said with a laugh. Hermione didn't seem to find this as funny.

"Just because you and I know that will never happen doesn't mean she does, she doesn't know me very well. If I were in her shoes I might act similarly." Hermione said.

"Fair enough, but she was even jealous of Ginny!" Harry and Ron laughed, Hermione just seemed troubled. "I definitely don't spend much time around her and I'm, well, no offense Ron, but I'm sort of out of her league. Plus she's my best mate's sister so even if it weren't for any of that other stuff I don't think that'd work." Harry added.

"No, Fred, George, and I would make sure that didn't work. We've heard enough of your stories about other girls to know to never let our sister be a character in them." Ron added.

"That's the spirit!" Harry said, giving Ron a pat on the back.

"So you don't think there's any potential between you and Ginny?" Hermione asked, almost pleading.

"Nope. Since when were you so interested in my love life, anyway? You specifically told me not to talk about it around you." Harry asked, suspiciously.

"Oh, I was just curious." Hermione replied.

"Well now that you know, you should know the weirdest part of the whole thing. The morning after Cho put on the waterworks I get an owl from Sirius talking about how I shouldn't walk away from a crying girl and stuff. It's like he's bugged the Marauder's Map or something." Harry explained, looking to Hermione for an alternative hypothesis. After Hermione continued to stare into space for a few more seconds he said "Uh, Hermione?"

"Oh, what?"

"Sirius; he knew about my break-up right after it happened and then tried to sabotage me with tips on how to get back together with Cho. How'd he do it?" Harry repeated.

"How'd he figure out how to treat women with respect instead of running away from them when they cry? I don't know, I'm guessing he must have grown up at some point." She answered.

"You're just trying to scare me, Hermione, I'm not going to fall for that. Sirius would never grow up! I was talking about how he knew what happened at the Three Broomsticks. I don't think anyone told him since I was the only one there from our year, obviously. Since you didn't know about it I doubt you did it, although I wouldn't put it past you, and I'm sure Ron and the twins didn't do it. So how'd he know? Is it possible that he bugged the map?" Harry asked.

"I don't know of any charm that would work on a piece of paper yet let you eavesdrop from a hundreds of miles away." Hermione answered.

"Well the old man does still have a few tricks trick up his sleeve, I'll give him that." Harry said with a look of admiration on his face.

"Well he is a bit of a legend." Ron pointed out as they took their seats next to the twins.

"Who's a legend?" George asked.

"Sirius." Ron replied.

"Yeah." Fred agreed. "Seriously." George added in a joke that only he and Fred laughed at. "The guy is a legend, though." "Yeah, enough of a legend that all these years later mum still hates him." "And that takes skill, me and Fred haven't achieved that yet." "Yeah, she still claims she loves us sometimes, it's sort of disappointing." The twins continued.

"I don't think you should ever aspire to be like Sirius." Hermione chastised.

"That hurts me right here." Harry said, grabbing his chest as though he were just stabbed. "If I'm exactly like Sirius when I'm his age I'd consider it a life well lived."

"I'll drink to that." Fred said as he, George, Ron, and Harry tapped their glasses of pumpkin juice together.

"But don't you ever think you could be more than just an... an old womanizer? I mean isn't he in his 40's or something?" Hermione said, clearly frustrated with the boys.

"First of all, Sirius is still in his 30's and, more importantly, you say 'womanizer' like it's a bad thing. You don't need to worry, though, I _would_ be more, I mean I'd be a _heroic_ womanizer, of course."

"Don't you think it's a little sad that he's this old and never settled down, never got a wife, never really had a family?" She asked.

"Do I think it's sad that he dates women half his age and has fun pretty much all the time? No, no I don't think that's sad at all. Plus, I'm his family, what more could you ask for? I mean, honestly, if you've got me as your family and aren't satisfied I think that's getting a little greedy." Harry said with a grin.

"You've never considered that it might be a bad thing he has a chronic string of short, unsuccessful relationships? You don't think that would be... unfulfilling?" She continued.

"Not really, because I wouldn't call them unsuccessful. I think he's gotten exactly what he wanted out of every relationship he's been in. Just because he doesn't fit in with your preconceived notions of what defines success doesn't mean a thing." Harry answered.

"Surely you don't agree with him, Ron." Hermione looked to Ron, almost in disbelief she had no one on her side.

"Err, well, I'm from a big family, so I can sort of see the appeal of that, but there's also my bother Charlie, you know, the dragon one, and he does what he loves every day and hasn't settled down yet, and that seems alright, too." Ron said, noncommittally.

"You've corrupted him, Hermione. Ron is mine, not yours. Find your own ginger." Harry said, shaking his head in disapproval at Ron's neutral response just as Ginny arrived.

"See? There's your Weasley, now stop messing with mine." Harry said gesturing to Ginny as she sat by Hermione.

"Want to explain why I belong to you, now?" Ginny asked Hermione, eyebrow raised.

"Hermione is trying to explain to us gentlemen why we should all want to get hitched and have lots of babies instead of having a fun and fulfilling life and she's using her feminine wiles to steal Ron from me." Harry said, to summarize the last few minutes.

"Well what's your definition of a fun and fulfilling life?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, Harry thinks the only way to have fun is to date a new girl every week, preferably one that's half your age, while never having a successful relationship, like his hero Sirius." Hermione responded on Harry's behalf.

"I'll allow it." Harry said of Hermione's characterization of his position.

"So you don't think you'd ever want to get married? You don't think you have a... a soul mate... or something?" Ginny asked, trying to hide the hope in her voice.

"Nope, I really doubt it. I mean, for me to settle down this girl would have to be awesome, like _really_ awesome. I wouldn't just be losing the next best girl by marrying this hypothetical woman, I would be losing the sum of all the other women in the world that I could date. I'm simply not convinced a woman that amazing could exist." Harry concluded.

"You're such a romantic." Hermione said.

"I've been telling you that for ages, I never saw why you kept calling me a misogynist." Harry said, meeting her obvious sarcasm with his smile.

"Mostly because you _are_ a misogynist with the way you treat girls like objects instead of people."

"I'm simply fulfilling the role society has made for me, Hermione. What kind of hero is humble and reserved? Not my kind of hero, I'll tell you that much." Harry offered in his defense.

"Well maybe someone who's not afraid to challenge society is more of a hero than someone who just got lucky a few times." Hermione offered.

"I doubt it. I mean, I could be terrible at picking up girls if I wanted to, I just don't want to. I don't see how the former could possibly be more heroic than, say, defeating a dark lord twice." Harry replied.

"I keep hoping that one day you'll grow up and realize that it takes more than getting lucky in a few chance encounters with death to be a hero." Hermione said.

"Thanks, mom. And until that unfortunate day that I'm sure we all hope never happens I guess we'll just have to assume that I'm correct. So... tomorrow's Halloween!" Harry said to change the subject.

"I heard Dumbledore booked some dancing skeletons!" Ron said excitedly.

"Yeah, I heard that too, although I'm not really sure if I'd find find that sort of thing all that entertaining, he should have just got a band or something."

"We saw those skeletons, once." "Yeah, they were pretty wicked." "You should see 'em before you judge, mate." Fred and George said.

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"Dinner's over and Ginny never showed up." Hermione said with concern in her voice.

"She probably just had some homework to do and ate in her dorm. Fred and George know how to get into the kitchens, you know, and they probably told her how to do it." Ron explained.

"Well she looked awful all day." Hermione continued.

"Woah, Hermione, I know Ginny's not really my type, and presumably not yours, either, but I think it's really uncalled for to call someone who is the sister of our mutual friend here 'awful.'" Harry said with a smile that showed he knew exactly what she meant.

"No, you prat, I meant she looked really tired all day and she hardly said a word this morning or at lunch."

"You may not recall this but my sister could hardly manage to get out a complete sentence just shopping for school supplies during my first year. Just because she's maintained basic motor function over the past month doesn't mean she can't relapse." Ron pointed out.

"I think she's over that, Ron." Hermione said, tersely

"Chill out, I just-"

"Do you guys not hear that?" Harry asked, cutting Ron off.

"Hear, what, mate?" Ron asked.

"That voice... it's talking about killing, and it sounds like it's moving upwards, come on!" Harry said as he broke into a run toward the staircase with Ron and Hermione in tow.

"This really isn't funny, Harry." Hermione said.

"I should think not, murder never is." Harry responded as they sprinted up the steps.

"Harry, I didn't hear anything." Hermione said, suddenly afraid this wasn't just a joke.

"I didn't either, mate." Ron added.

"Well I do" Harry said, rounding the next flight of stairs. "Or at least, I did..." he said, slowly walking out of the stairwell.

"You're really freaking me out, mate, I didn't hear anything" Ron said as they continued moving down the corridor.

"If this is your idea of a practical jo-" Hermione cut off mid sentence and broke into a scream as she realized what was shining on the wall at the far end of the corridor.

"Bloody hell." Ron said when he realized what Hermione had screamed at.

"Now's not the time for puns, mate." Harry said as the three stopped and stared at the sight in front of them. Then they heard the sound of feet running up the stairs. "And now's probably not the best time to be standing right here, either." Harry added.

"The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware." Sneered a voice that had just exited the stairwell. "I guess that means you're next, mudblood." Draco said coming around the corner to where he thought Hermione stood alone.

"What was that, Draco?" Harry asked as soon as he was in Draco's line of sight.

Draco took a couple quick steps back in surprise. Even though it'd been about a month since Harry punched him Draco was still a little shaken when he stumbled upon Harry without Crabbe and Goyle.

"I said it looks like the mudbloods will be next." Draco said with renewed confidence he couldn't be punched now that half the school had come to see what all the fuss was about. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had bigger things to deal with, however, as they heard:

"You killed Mrs. Norris!" Filtched pointed an accusatory finger at Harry and started to move in his direction.

"Woah, calm down, this isn't what it looks like." Harry said backing up slowly.

"Well it looks like Mrs. Norris is hanging motionless in front of a wall covered in blood." Filtch said, pushing hard through the growing crowd of kids.  
"Oh, well, that part probably is what it looks like, but we had nothing to do with it." Harry said, just as Filtch broke through the crowd. Harry was about to turn and run when he felt the firm hand Albus Dumbledore on his hsoulder.

"These children killed Mrs. Norris, headmaster." Filtch said, trying to wipe the manic look from his face.

"They killed your cat in front of you and you didn't stop them?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well... I didn't _see_ them kill her, headmaster, but when I came up the stairs to see what the fuss was about these three were just standing right there, all staring at her." Filtch explained as Dumbledore prodded the cat with his wand and mumbled a few spells.

"Ahh, so you have no idea what these three have done other than stare at a sight that is no doubt quite shocking." Dumbledore stated in his usual calm tone.

"Well.. I guess that's right, then, Headmaster."

"You'll be happy to hear that Mrs. Norris isn't dead, just petrified." Dumbledore said, returning his wand to its holster. "Now, I suggest you three follow me to my office and tell me what exactly happened." He said, looking at Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

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"So which one of you would like to go first?" Dumbledore asked after they'd each taken a seat. "Miss Granger?" He suggested before Harry had a chance to start.

"Uh, well, we had just finished dinner and left to go back to the common room when Harry heard a voice." She paused.

"Did you hear the voice?" Dumbledore asked, to which Hermione shook her head no. "What about you, mister Weasley?" To which he received the same. "Go on, then, Miss Granger."

"Well he said it sounded like whoever made the noise was moving up so he ran up the stairs and we followed him. Then he said he didn't hear it anymore so we walked down the hallway we had stopped at. Then we saw..." Hermione explained, fall quiet as she remember the scene with the blood once more.

"Thank you, Miss Granger. Lemon drop, anyone?" Dumbledore said, seemingly out of nowhere as he offered a small tin of yellow candies to each of the three children, none of whom took him up on the offer."They're my favorite." He said, mostly to himself.

"So, Harry" Dumbledore started again, after taking a pause to eat the lemon drop. "What did this voice say."

"Well it said something about killing and it said it could smell blood, but I couldn't hear it that well since we were in the great hall and then we were running up the stairs." "And it was pretty quiet, too, so I can understand if they couldn't hear it." Harry added quickly.

"Mmhmm." Dumbledore said, as though weighing his options. Then, suddenly, he stood up. "Well you three had best go back to your dorms and get some rest, then."

"So... does that mean you believe us?" Ron asked, instantly earning him a cold stare from Hermione and Harry, both.

"Should I not?" Dumbledore asked.

"Err, well, we told the truth, but it's just... nevermind." Ron said, decided to cut his losses.

Dumbledore ushered them to the door and bid them all good night.

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A/N: The poll about a potential future plot point is still up for you kids to vote on if you haven't already. Also, the next chapter will probably be delayed a lot as I'll be too busy being awesome in Austin, Texas (and also too busy driving 18.5 hours there and 18.5 hours back...).

Too busy being awesome? I think writing Harry's lines is starting to take it's toll on my ego.

The attack on Mrs. Norris was moved up a day from cannon, you have noticed. This was inentional because it worked better this way in my opinion.


	10. Interhouse Comraderie

The days before Christmas were always the most exciting at Hogwarts; classes were ending and many students were preparing to go home to spend the holiday with their family. The Weasleys usually spent Christmas at school and this year was no exception despite Mrs. Weasley's threats at the beginning of the year. If Ron, Fred, and George would be at school then so would Harry.

"When does the Hogwarts Express take you back to London?" Ron asked Hermione as they left the transfiguration classroom.

"Monday."

"You're going to miss the Christmas Feast." Ron said with tones of sympathy.

"Is food all you think about?" She asked with a laugh.

"No, there's presents, too, of course." Ron said defensively, to which Hermione just rolled her eyes.

"More important than the feast or the presents is the Polyjuice Potion. It's probably going to be ready to use over break. Just think, nearly two whole weeks alone with a cauldron full of Polyjuice Potion and no Hermione-supervision." Harry said, with what looked to Hermione to be an evil grin.

"Oh my..." She said, suddenly looking concerned. "I only agreed to help you because we need to know what Malfoy is up to and I'm not even sure that was a good idea even with me there to watch you. But now..." She shuddered at whatever possibility she had just thought of. "You have to promise not to use it until I get back, you'll get us all in serious trouble if you play around with it."

"You're just scared one of us might have grabbed one of your hairs." Harry said.

"You did what?" Hermione said, looking scandalized.

"What?" Harry asked, as though he had no idea what Hermione was asking about.

"Harry, I don't condone violence but if you try anything like that I swear I'll hurt you." Hermione said, making a gesture toward her wand as Ron spoke the password to the portrait.

"That's unlikely, I don't think it's possible to make Gryffindor lose the cup twice in one year." Harry retorted with a smug look.

"When are you two going to give that up?" Ginny asked from her couch.

"When Hermione realizes that her attempts at evil are doomed to fail."

"Well, she did manage to hex you last time." Ginny pointed out.

"Yes, I admit that I made the mistake of thinking Hermione was an honorable friend who wouldn't stab her best mate in the back and I have since learned my lesson. Now that I know she's a regular loose cannon it won't happen again."

"No, it probably won't happen again, but only because, if you do whatever it is you're planning, I'll be the one hexing you." Ginny said.

"That's some big talk from a small girl." Harry said.

Ginny whipped out her wand and threw a bat-boogey hex at Harry but he conjured, seemingly effortlessly, a shield that deflected it harmlessly into the ceiling.

"Right. Well, that was a good try, anyway. You might not want to duel me, though. Haven't you heard? If we keep this up I might have to use Parseltongue to tell a snake not to attack you. I'm a pretty scary guy." Harry said, re-holstering his wand. Ginny, deciding she probably couldn't out-magic Harry, followed suit.

"Actually I think I heard that story a little differently from everyone else." Ginny said.

"Well that's because everyone else is stupid. Since they don't speak Parseltongue they don't know what I said and since the snake didn't attack I don't really see why anyone would think I said anything malevolent. I don't really mind, though. After all, yhis whole 'bad-boy angle' is giving me some serious cred with the ladies. Sure, it's mostly Slytherins, but hey."

"That makes me sick." Hermione said.

"That's what I thought at first, too, but it turns out there are actually some pretty hot girls in Slytherin."

"No, _you_ make me sick. It makes me sick that you evidently just found out you were a Parselmouth yesterday and all you care about is trying to woo a bunch of girls that think you're the heir of Slytherin."

"I think they've already been 'wooed' but don't be silly, Hermione, I would never go out with a girl that thought I was the heir of Slytherin. She'd have to be pretty stupid to think that. I would definitely make out with a girl like that and maybe even go on a few dates with her but I couldn't start a relationship with one. I have standards, you know."

"Are those standards a pulse and the ability to breathe?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, and also she has to be hot and can't be crazy. Cho, for example, failed on the last one." Harry replied.

"Oh, now that I know you have standards I'm much more comfortable with the way you treat women." Hermione replied.

"I'm glad to hear it. Your whole line of thought is wrong, though, because the Slytherins probably all know my family is all Gryffindor so I assume most of those girls just think I'm the next dark lord or something, not the heir of Slytherin"

"And that is just _so_ much better." Hermione said sarcastically.

"I'd say so. There's a fine line between superhero and super villain. The only real difference is whether you use your awesome powers for good or evil. Obviously, you guys know that I use them for good but those girls might not, so the fact that they think I'm the next dark lord just means they recognize I've got awesome super powers and that's cool with me."

"You're fine with people thinking you're a dark lord?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"It's an easy mistake to make, really. I think I probably just haven't saved enough people yet. I mean, I saved magical Britain twice but if they think I'm a dark lord they might just think I did that so that I could take over so I lost credit for all those lives. That just leaves me with you and Ron, which isn't much. No offense." Harry added.

"None taken, mate." Ron said with a smile.

"Sometimes I just wish you could hear yourself." Hermione said to Harry in a defeated tone.

"I can. That's probably why I talk so much."

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At dinner that night the air was still thick with rumors that Harry was responsible for opening the chamber of the secrets, these were no doubt exacerbated by the fact that he choose to sit between Daphne Greengrass and Pansy Parkinson at the Slytherin table that night.

"Ladies" was all Harry said as he sat down.

"Uh, you're a Gryffindor." said Millicent Bulstrode.

"Among other things." Harry replied.

"This is the Slytherin table." she continued.

"Yeah, all the green clothing accessories do give it that feel." He replied, growing a little more annoyed.

"You shouldn't be sitting here." she concluded.

"You're unattractive and just not a very nice person in general. Furthermore, you're really ruining my attempts to flirt with these girls so I think that you shouldn't be sitting here. And yet here we both are." Harry said calmly.

Millicent looked to the girls on either of Harry shoulders for support but they didn't seem to want her there any more than Harry did, so she moved further down the table with a huff.

"So, where were we?" Harry asked the girls.

"I think you walked over and said 'ladies' to us." Daphne answered.

"Right, so we were at the part where you two throw yourselves at me and fight over who snogs me first, then." Harry said coolly.

"Don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself? We could have boyfriends." Pansy pointed out.

"Does anyone _really_ have a boyfriend when I'm around?" Harry asked.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I'm going out with Draco." Pansy said a little haughtily.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Harry said sympathetically "You do know I beat him up, though, don't you? I'm pretty sure that means you're legally mine."

"I'm not a prize; you don't win me by punching someone."

"Possession is nine tenths of the law." Harry said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders "Besides, I showed, through a bout of fisticuffs, that I'm clearly the better man, you should _want_ to go out with me."

"I don't think I could ever go out with a Gryffindor." Pansy said, shrugging his arm off of her.

"I could." Daphne said, scooting closer.

"I can tell where I'm not wanted." Harry said to Pansy as he placed his other arm around Daphne. "Daphne's hotter anyways."

"So," Harry said, moving his attention to Daphne "how's life in Slytherin? Lots of evil schemes afoot, I presume?"

"Uh, life in Slytherin in fine, I guess. From what I heard, though, you might be the one with the evil schemes." Daphne responded.

"Ah, yes, well I can assure you that my plans are purely benevolent in nature. I'm a superhero, not a super villain, you know. Sure, I'm a Parselmouth but I'll probably just use that to save some children from a snake or something rather than using it to take over the world."

"A superhero?" Pansy scoffed. "Hardly."

"I single-handedly defeated Voldemort twice. Aside from being super badass, most people would say that's pretty heroic."

"Not everyone thought it was such a bad idea to get rid of the Mudbloods. Those people might not consider you a hero for stopping him." Pansy said plainly.

"So, given that you don't think I'm a hero, I'm to assume that you're one of those people?" Harry asked.

Pansy simply took another bite of her dinner.

"Right, then." Harry said, deciding Pansy wasn't worth the effort. "So what's a pretty girl like you doing in a house like this?" He asked Daphne.

"Well the Greengrass family has pretty much always been in Slytherin. Besides, I think I'm pretty cunning and ambitious and I don't think those are bad things." She said defensively.

"Ambitious... maybe. I have yet to see any acts of cunning, however." Harry said in a disbelieving tone.

"Just you wait, Potter." Daphne replied.

"Fair enough."

"So, not to pry, but is the story about the snake true, then?" Daphne asked.

"Yup, assuming the story is about me telling the snake not to hurt Colin." Harry replied.

"Lots of people think you were telling it to kill him because he's Muggle-born, and that you opened the chamber."

"Then lots of people are incorrect. It's an interesting theory, though. Does that mean they think I stopped Voldemort to ensure that I would be the only dark lord?" Harry asked.

"I don't guess anyone considered that." Daphne replied.

"I'm thinking that's the line I should go with for Slytherin, you know? Lots of your housemates seem pretty cool with dark lords. If I can come out of this with Slytherin thinking I'm a dark lord and the rest of the school knowing I'm actually just a hero I think it'll all be ok."

"Harry Potter." A voice sneered from behind him. Harry turned to see Malfoy flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. Harry simply turned and tipped an imaginary hat toward them.

"What are you doing at my table?" Malfoy asked.

"Leaving, mostly." Harry answered. He surprised Daphne with a kiss on her mouth and then walked back to his usual seat.

"What was that about?" Ron asked.

"Well it's not every day I'm going to be this popular with Slytherin girls, right?" Harry answered with a smile.

"Nice. But did I just see you run away from Malfoy?" Ron said with a look of disapproval.

"That's was just a tactical advance in the opposite direction. It's not like either of us could do anything in the Great Hall and I've got to let him feel like he's winning sometimes so he doesn't do anything stupid. Or at least nothing more stupid than his usual."

"I really think that hanging out with Slytherin is the _last_ thing you need, Harry." Hermione said.

"I can't imagine why that would be, I think I could be a positive influence on them. Besides, what of all your talk about inter-house camaraderie and bringing the school together?"

"You're bad enough already, I don't think that surrounding yourself with kids – some of which who are _genuinely_ evil – is a good idea, Harry. At least most of the stuff you do right now is mostly harmless."

"Don't worry about it Hermione, by the time you get back from break, Slytherin will think I'm the next dark lord. The situation is totally under control."

"Wait, WHAT? How could having one fourth of the school think you're evil incarnate be a _good_ thing?" Hermione asked indignantly.

"They eat that 'dark lord' stuff up over there. Just like how we Gryffindors love our heroes, the Ravenclaws love their scholars, and the Hufflepuffs love their... well, I guess they technically just love everyone, but I think you get the idea."

"So you're going to pretend to be a dark lord to be popular?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"Well it's not like I'm going to walk around with minions or anything. Although, if you and Ron are interested..."

"No." Hermione and Ron replied in unison.

"Right, well they already think I'm a dark lord regardless so I'm just not going to deny it to them. That's different. Gryffindor already knows I'm not a dark lord and Ravenclaw is hopefully too smart to fall for that sort of thing. I'm just going to assume Hufflepuff is too friendly to care, or at least that their girls are too friendly to care. Problem solved."

"So this is all boils down to girls again? The only reason you're upset about the dueling club ordeal is because you're afraid it'll interfere with your ability to get dates!" Hermione said, exasperated.

"Yeah, pretty much." Harry said.

"I can't believe I ever felt one ounce of pity for you after you told me what happened. I mean really, Harry."

"What? It's worked out pretty well, so far. Daphne really seemed into me. I just need to make out with a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff to make sure everything is back to normal."

"Oh, I'm _so_ happy everything is working so well for you. It would just be _tragic_ if you couldn't burn through a new girl every week." Hermione said with heavy sarcasm.

"I'm glad you're starting to see things my way." Harry said, beaming. That one earned him a smack on the back of the head.

"Isn't Daphne going out with Malfoy?" Ron asked.

"That's Pansy and I don't think I could handle her anyway. She might be legitimately evil. Daphne seems surprisingly normal, though, all things considered. I'd say she's probably the best of Slytherin, at least of the girls in our year, and I think she's ranked third overall."

"You rank girls like it's a contest." Hermione said disapprovingly.

"Well, it sort of is. I don't rank all the girls, though. Most Gryffindors are unranked, for example, because they know where I sleep and I've seen them in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Then there are girls who are just blatantly unattractive like Millicent over in Slytherin, there just isn't much point in ranking her." Harry explained.

"We've actually got the official paper list." Fred chimed in.

"You seriously wrote all that down?" Hermione asked shocked.

"Well yeah, what did you think we were doing with all that time we weren't spending on homework?" George replied.

"So what, you guys meet in secret and vote or something?" She asked, now slightly curious.

"It's sort of complicated, there's a vote and then a magical formula involved but yeah, more or less. Admit it, Hermione, you're a little proud of me. If you were a female chauvinist you would totally take a vote, use some magic, and then have a list written up in triplicate." Harry said.

"I would NOT. That's such a... _boy_ thing to do." Hermione answered.

"Your sexism offends me. And, I'll have you know, there are at least two similar lists of boys circulating around the school that I know of." Harry responded smugly.

"Those lists don't offend you? Wait, who am I kidding, of course they don't." Hermione corrected herself.

"Well I'm at the top of the Ravenclaw list and I think I was third on Slytherin's so there's not really much to be offended about."

"I was 2 slots ahead of George on the Slytherin list." Fred said proudly.

"How does that make any sense?" Hermione asked, confused.

"Probably because he's so evil." George offered.

"You're just jealous." Fred retorted.

"Well I was one spot ahead of you on that Ravenclaw list." George pointed out.

"Where do I rank?" Hermione asked.

"I didn't see you on either of the hottest boys lists." Harry said facetiously.

"Funny. I'm talking about the Gryffindor list."

"Look at that, Hermione would have us believe she's above this sort of thing and yet curiosity still got the best of her." Harry teased.

"I still maintain that the whole enterprise is stupid. That doesn't mean I can't be interested in knowing where I rank, though." Hermione defended.

"If you were ranked it would break the first rule of the list to tell you, anyway." Harry pointed out.

"Well, you guys know where you're ranked on those other two lists." Hermione objected.

"That's because the girls who wrote those lists are terrible at keeping secrets. Our list is for gentlemen's eyes only." Harry explained.

"Then how'd you get to see it?" Ginny teased as she joined them.

"Cute." Harry responded flatly.

"What list are you talking about?" She asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Harry answered.

"Oh, the boys were just explaining that they've ranked all girls in the school according to who they find most appealing." Hermione explained.

"Oh, then where am I ranked?" Ginny asked.

"You aren't." Ron answered.

"Oh? And why not?" Ginny asked, pulling out her wand.

"Because half the people voting were your brothers. This is exactly why most of the Gryffindor girls aren't ranked." Harry said gesturing to Ginny's wand.

"Well I'm not related to anyone here." Hermione said.

"But you're in Gryffindor and best friends with that thing." Harry said, pointing once more at Ginny.

"Hey!" Ginny objected.

"But you didn't say no one in Gryffindor was ranked, you just said most of them aren't ranked." Hermione pointed out.

"Look, even if you were ranked is it really something you'd want to know? I mean, it's not like the list is about intelligence." Harry said, trying to quell her.

"Excuse me?" Hermione asked, offended.

"I'm just saying that other girls in Hogwarts might have more... reliance – on their physical appearances so where you are or are not on any list wouldn't really mean anything." Harry slowly explained, trying to dig his way out of a hole.

"So you're saying that because you think I'm ugly you won't tell me where I am on the list?" Hermione asked with a tone that was growing ever angrier and she unsheathed her wand.

"No, what I'm saying is that Fred never should have mentioned the list to you and dinner's over so I think we should head back to the common room." Harry explained, trying to calm her down and change the subject.

"Fine, let's go to the common room." Hermione agreed. A sign of relief flooded over Harry's features. "Less witnesses." Hermione said quietly, to which Ginny giggled.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"Oh, nothing." Hermione answered.

On the walk to the common room the subject changed to more mundane things. As they walked along the first floor, however, Harry spotted Hannah Abbott – a Hufflepuff – talking with some friends under a strategically placed piece of greenery. He walked up to her and gave her a deep kiss that surprised her at first, but which she then returned in kind. After a few more moments of that Harry broke it off.

"You should really stand under mistletoe more often." He said with a grin. Hannah simply smiled and waved as he rejoined his friends.

"Seriously Harry, do you have to do that in front of me?" Hermione asked.

"What? It's a Christmas tradition. Next you're going to be telling me not to open Christmas gifts or sing carols in the dorm."

"Actually, mate, that last one you said might actually be worth stopping." Ron said.

When they entered the common room they walked over toward some empty chairs. As soon as Harry took a seat Hermione conjured with frightening speed some ropes that wrapped Harry to the chair. Hermione looked around for Ginny to hold Fred, George, and Ron at bay but she wasn't there. It was no matter, however, because they seemed too scared of this new side of Hermione to try to stop her.

"Merlin, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

"Where am I ranked?" She asked.

"Hermione, try to be rational, here. The Hermione I know wouldn't tie up her best friend to find out where she was ranked on some silly list." Harry explained, trying once more to reason with her.

"I'm serious, Harry." Hermione said, brandishing her wand.

"Fine, you're ranked just below average. Happy now?" Harry said, deciding he had lost.

"Below average?" Hermione asked in disbelief.

"Well, if it makes you feel better there was one voter that lobbied for a much higher ranking" Harry explained as he stole a quick glance at a very red-faced Ron. "But yeah, you ranked just below average."

"Who?" Hermione asked with a fierce look in her eye.

"Now that – that I really can't tell you, no matter how much you threaten me. _I_ don't betray my friends."

Hermione seemed to take him at his word this time because she waved her wand and undid the lashings holding him to the chair. Hermione and Ginny went to where the rest of the girls of Gryffindor were sitting where they were berated for not trying to get the full list.

"I've never seen Hermione act that like." Harry said, rubbing his arms where the rope had been.

"I don't think anyone has, mate." "Or if they have they didn't live to tell about it." Fred and George agreed.

"This is exactly why I said no Gryffindors." Harry said bitterly with a look to Ron.

"Sorry mate, how was I supposed to know she'd do that?" Ron apologized.

"You weren't but I was sort of hoping you'd just start making out with her or confess your love to her or something to distract her before she started tying people to chairs." Harry said, grinning at him.

"What are you talking about, mate?" Ron asked with a hollow laugh that was betrayed by his blush.

"Just because I didn't tell her who voted her third doesn't mean I didn't know."

"Well, yeah, but I voted her third, not first." Ron explained.

"Well your number 1 and 2 were both 7th years and the list was technically just supposed to be 5th years and below." Harry pointed out.

"Oh my." "Does ickle Ronniekins have something he wants to tell us?" "He's just growing up so fast." Fred and George teased.

"I don't know what you guys are talking about." Ron repeated.

Ron was saved, however, when Percy ran into the common room and told everyone that Colin Creevey and Nearly Headless Nick had been petrified.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

A/N: There's a brand new poll up to vote on about what should happen to Harry third year. The one about Ginny possibly confessing her feelings to Harry ended up pretty much a tie but it still helped me decide what I wanted because I decided half of you are crazy.

Thanks to hushpuppy22 I changed a line of dialogue in the last chapter to clarify that, although Hermione thinks Sirius is 'in his 40's', he is actually in his 30's. I also changed the word paralyzed to petrified because, after a brief discussion, I conceded that they are technically different.

Also, thanks to xXxLoveMeHateMexXx for joining Tanny Apple as a beta reader.


	11. Hello, My Treacherous Friends

It's been a while, here's a recap and it almost rhymes:

Hermione went home for Christmas but not before threatening Harry to find her rank on his list.

Turns out she's somewhere in the middle (which should only surprise you a little because Emma Watson may be hot but Hermione Granger was not. I mean, bushy hair and buck teeth?).

Ron ranked Hermione pretty well but, despite all her threats, Harry didn't tell.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

It wasn't until late in the night that all the discussion over what petrified Colin and Gryffindor's patron ghost had finally settled and everyone had gone up to the dormitories.

"Harry, you still awake, mate?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, just trying to figure out the whole petrification thing. I'd like to wrap up the mystery before break is over, you know."

"Uh, right. Well, about the list of girls..." Ron trailed off.

"What about it?"

"Well, about how, you know, I voted for Hermione to be third, and all..." Ron said, once again trailing off.

"Yes?"

"Well, could you... I don't know, maybe just not... tell her about that?"

"Are you sure? I thought it would be a really good segue into you asking her out."

"Wait, who said I was going to do that? I just ranked her third, I didn't say I liked her."

"And I didn't say that you _said_ you like her, I said that you like her. And that's true."

"OK, so maybe I do, but I don't want to ask her out."

"I'm not sure anyone has ever explained to you how you start a relationship. You see, when a guy fancies a girl-"

"I KNOW that." Ron interrupted "I guess what I meant to say is that I don't think I _can_ ask her out."

"You sell yourself short, mate! I've heard you talk loads of times! I think you're more than capable of speaking a single question."

"No, I mean... I guess I'm just scared to ask her out."

"What's the worst that could happen?" Harry asked.

"Uh, well, I guess she can only really say no." Ron replied.

"No, the worst thing that could happen is that she says no and then it's always awkward when you guys are in the room together and then I have to divide my time between the two of you so that you kids can avoid each other. Well, that, or she says no and then hexes you. She does seem to like hexing us..."

Ron moaned and rolled over in his bed.

"Relax, I'm just having a laugh, Ron." Harry chuckled. "None of that would happen because she'd probably say yes anyway."

"You really think so?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Sure. And if she says no it won't be that bad. I don't really have first hand experience at getting rejected but I'm sure it happens all the time and no one's died from it. You guys would still be friends."

"Hannah Abbott turned me down at the beginning of the year, it wasn't so bad." Neville chimed in.

"See? You'll live." Harry said.

"I just don't think I want to do that, not yet anyway, and I don't want her to know that I like her." Ron said.

"Well you've done a pretty good job of that. I can't imagine why you would want the girl you fancy to think you find her attractive." Harry said sarcastically. "That would just be ridiculous."

"Can you just promise you won't tell her?" Ron pleaded.

"Fine. Honestly, though, if this were any other girl I'd walk into the girls' dormitory right now and tell her."

"What makes Hermione different?" Ron asked, cautiously.

"Well she's _my_ best mate, too, you know? You guys fight enough already; if you two were a couple you'd be insufferable. So, while I still think you need to ask her out, I'm not going to do it for you. Not yet, anyways."  
"Thanks mate. I think."

"After that whole list thing she's pretty emotionally fragile. Acting now would give you the best odds to-"

"NO." Ron said firmly.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH Time warp to February!

"Anything romantic planned for Hermione, today?" Harry asked with a cheeky grin as they started down the stairs to the common room.

"You're just _too_ funny, mate." Ron replied, deadpan.

"I'm serious!" Harry said, to which Ron simply balked. "Just kidding, I'm Harry, my godfather is Sirius. Seriously, though, it _is_ Valentine's Day and I'm pretty sure everyone in school except for you two has figured out you fancy each other. What better time than Valentine's Day to make it official?" Harry asked.

"You don't _know_ that she likes me."

"I swear, Ron. If this were _anyone_ else." Harry finished just as they entered the common room.

"If who were anyone else?" Hermione asked from her seat perched curiously close to the stairwell.

"If you were anyone else." Harry said in a deeply patronizing tone as he placed his hand on her shoulder. "To breakfast, then?" He asked. And they began the walk to the Great Hall.

As they took their seats the school's owls were already busy delivering the day's valentines cards.

The three were halfway through breakfast and none of them – not even Harry – were visited by any owls.

"Either of you notice anything missing this morning, aside from a pile of letters in front of me?" Harry asked.

"Nope." Ron answered as he helped himself to some more sausages.

Hermione seemed to think about it for a few moments.

"You've been up almost an hour today and have yet to do anything blatantly offensive. In fact, the lack of valentines in front of you has actually done a little to restore my faith in the other girls of Hogwarts." Hermione answered.

"That was pretty close, Hermione, but the answer was actually Fred and George. Don't feel bad, though, I get those two mixed up all the time." Harry said as he got up.

"You think you know where to find them?" Ron asked, taking another bite of sausage.

"Yup, I think I can handle them, though. I'll just leave you two lovebirds to it, then." Harry said, making Ron choke a little on the sausage and Hermione blush through the look of disapproval she cast Harry's way.

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room to the sight of the twins hunched over a pile of letters, each with the occasional owl feather still clinging to their robes. Taking care to be quiet, Harry walked over to them until he was at their backs.

"Hello, my treacherous friends."

The twins both turned around, surprised. "Oh... hey, Harry. This isn't what it looks like." Fred started with a nervous smile.

"It's not what it looks like? Good. Then thank you for joining me here, this morning." Harry began. The twins looked at each other, confused. "I've brought you both here to discuss my correspondence of late." He continued, with a gesture to the letters spread across the table. "It probably would have been easier to just let me take delivery of them but you two showed initiative; I like that. How's the sorting going, then?"

The twins were finally too confused to go on any longer. "What are you talking about, Harry?" George asked. "Seriously." Fred added.

"Oh, I was talking about my valentine's cards. I thought you were going to help me sort through them. Isn't that what you were doing?" Harry asked in deep tones of naïveté.

"Uh, well..." Fred started "We were actually just going to respond 'yes' to all of them." George offered. "You know, just as a joke." The twins answered.

"Really? Because that's actually exactly what it looked like, but then you said it wasn't what it looked like. What with us being such close friends I took you at your word because I assumed you would both know better than to try to prank me, a Marauder by birth."

"Well we just thought it'd be a bit of fun." George said followed by a poor attempt at a laugh. "You could, uh, write back to our valentine's?" Fred then suggested.

"I think not." Harry said, gathering his letters from the table.

"So, all is forgiven, then?" George asked, hopefully as Harry started toward the exit.

"Ah, but _that_ would be telling." Harry said, ducking through the portal.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

"Today has made me embarrassed to be a girl." Hermione said in a tone of defeat as they walked to class.

"Oh, now you're just being dramatic." Harry said.

"There was a whole flock of owls dedicated to you before Fred and George found them and you've been sent enough singing dwarves to star in your own fairy tale."

"The people are no longer satisfied by a hero simply defeating dark lords. Every good story needs a few dwarves. Besides, I'm a good-looking guy with a penchant for heroism. I really don't see why you wouldn't expect girls to throw themselves at me."

"Because you're a womanizer, you treat women as objects, you-"

But, before Hermione could finish, another dwarf who had been trying to get Harry's attention pulled so hard on his bag that it split open. He then proceeded to serenade Harry while he, Ron, and Hermione picked up his things. The first-years they had been walking past found the whole scene rather amusing but Harry, Ron, and Hermione had already seen enough for the novelty to wear off.

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

Harry noticed something curious as he cleaned the spilled ink off of his school supplies: the diary he and Ron had found was clean, all its pages as blank as the day they'd found it. Harry, seeing the room was empty, decided to try writing in it.

_I'm Harry Potter._ He started but before he could think of what to write next he saw the ink fading - as though it were seeping through the page – until it had disappeared.

_Hello, Harry. My name is Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?_

Harry had never seen a diary that talks back to you but there are stranger things than this, so he wrote back.

_It was in a toilet, oddly enough._

_It's a good thing I thought to use something more permanent that mere ink on paper to record my memories, then. I knew some people wouldn't want this diary to be read._

_Who wouldn't want it read, and why?_

_Who? The person who tried to flush my diary down a toilet, presumably. The why? Well that's because terrible things have happened at Hogwarts. Things that were covered up._

_Well you're in luck, Tom, because I'm at Hogwarts and I happen to be great at uncovering things. I'm a hero, you see. I'm actually working on uncovering the chamber of secrets at the moment._

_I know about the chamber of secrets._

_Go on, then._

_In my day, they told us it was a legend, that it did not exist, but they lied. In my fifth year the chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students and killed one. I caught the person who opened the chamber and got him expelled. Headmaster Dippet wanted to cover the whole thing up, though, so they gave me a trophy and forbade me from telling the truth. The monster wasn't killed and the person who opened the chamber wasn't put in prison._

_The chamber has been opened again and students are getting petrified. No one knows who's opening the chamber. Who did it last time? I'd like to get this whole thing wrapped up before the school year is over._

_I can show you my memory of catching him, if you'd like._

Harry didn't even hesitate before writing:

_Let's do it._

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

Harry sat on his bed, the diary safely in his trunk, pondering all he had just seen.

_If Dumbledore believed Hagrid opened the chamber, _he thought, _then surely he wouldn't have hired him. Dumbledore might be a little naive when it comes to people but this is too much even for him. Hagrid does seem to get in over his head, he was caught with a dragon last year, but he would never order a creature to kill people, much less muggles. On top of all that he wasn't even a Slytherin. What are the odds that a Gryffindor opened Slytherin's chamber? And then what are the odds that Slytherin's monster would be a spider? I mean their crest has a snake on it, for Merlin's sake!_

WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH

"Are you feeling OK, Harry?" Hermione asked. "You haven't had much to eat and you seem a little distracted."

"She's right mate, do you care if I finish that?" Ron asked, pointing to Harry's desert.

Harry gestured with his hand that Ron could have it and turned to Hermione. "We need to go to the library."

"Now I'm really starting to wonder if you're feeling alright. Not that I don't think it's a good idea to study more."

"This is a little more important than school work. You really think I'd go to the library on the night of Valentine's Day?"

Hermione looked genuinely concerned now. When she thought about it, this was one of Harry's favorite holidays and he was, to her dismay, even more himself than usual this morning. Something must have happened this afternoon, she thought, because he'd looked deep in thought - even worried - all dinner long.

When they'd all finished eating they headed to the library and found a quiet table.

"Alright, you got me in the library, what's this all about, then?" Ron asked.

"I think I've made some progress on the chamber." Harry began. "Ron, do you remember the diary of Tom Riddle we found?"

"Yeah." Ron answered, confused as to how a blank diary could be important enough to warrant a post-dinner library visit.

"Well I wrote in it, and it can write back. Not only that, it can show you its memories. Well, the memories of it's owner – Tom – anyway."

"So what's this got to do with the chamber?" Ron asked.

"Well Tom said the chamber was opened when he was at Hogwarts. I'm a little surprised we never heard about it but he did say the school administration tried to cover it up as best as they could. He said muggles were killed but he caught the person who opened the chamber."

"Who was it, then?" Ron asked, eagerly.

"Well that's where I find his story a little suspicious. He showed me a memory where he caught Hagrid and said that he had opened the chamber and the monster – supposedly a big spider – was what was killing students."

"Hagrid? As in the groundskeeper?" Ron asked.

"The same. And that's why I'm not sure I buy Tom's story. I saw Hagrid at Hogwarts in the memory and he was a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin, so doesn't it seem unlikely that he'd be Slytherin's heir? Plus, if Dumbledore thought Hagrid did this why would he hire him?"

"Dumbledore does seem very trusting." Hermione offered.

"I agree but I just can't imagine he'd let someone who had muggle students killed work at the school."

"You're probably right, but it is a little suspicious." Hermione conceded.

"Yes, but how could Slytherin's heir get sorted into Gryffindor? There's just no way. I don't think Hagrid's is the heir. That being said, I also don't think the spider is Slytherin's monster. His house crest has a snake on it, wouldn't it make more sense to have some sort of super-snake?"

"A super-snake?" Hermione asked, incredulously.

"That's why we need the library. You need to make a list of of things that can petrify students and ghosts the way they've been turning up. Pay special attention to snakes, or anything else associated with Slytherin. Ron and I can do some snooping and see if we can't figure out what type of spider Hagrid had and see if that fits the bill."

"I'll see what I can find!" Hermione said, excited to have an excuse to read through new books.

Harry and Ron headed to the door.

"So you're just going walk up to Hagrid and ask about the giant spider that got him expelled?"

"Well I have a suspicion it was our friend Tom that got him expelled but yes, I intend to ask him about the spider."

When they arrived at Hagrid's hut Harry knocked on the door.

"Ello, there, Harry!" The large man said enthusiastically. "And I'm guessing you must be one of the Weasleys. Ron?"

"Yes, sir." Ron answered, between uneasy looks at the large dog Hagrid kept as a pet.

"Well don't just stand there in the cold, boys, come in!" Harry and Ron entered and took seats at Hagrid's table. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, I was researching magical beasts and I knew that you know a lot about them so I thought I'd talk to you."

"Well I guess I do know a bit about magical creatures, don't I?" Hagrid said, trying to sound modest. "What did you want to know about?"

"Spiders. Are there any magical spiders? Ron here is terrified of spiders and I was just telling him that even magical spiders probably aren't that bad."

"Right you are, Harry. Spiders aren't so bad, especially if you get to know them."

"Get to know them?" Ron asked, sounding both shocked and appalled.

"Well sure, acromantulas can talk, you know. In fact, I'm good friends with one that lives in the forest."

"There are talking spiders here?" Ron asked growing a little whiter.

"Of course there are! They're pretty friendly, really."  
"How big are they?" Harry asked.

"Oh, they can grow up to about 15 feet."

"See, Ron? Only 15 feet, they're hardly worth worrying over!" Harry said with a cheeky grin. "So are they very dangerous?"

"Dangerous? Not really. As long as you get to know 'em real well and don't go stomping through their houses they won't hurt you."

"But lets say you didn't get to know them well and walked into their nest, then what would happen?" Harry asked.

"Well they've got a really powerful venom, really rare, too."

"So this venom, would it kill you? Or, say... petrify you, for example?" Harry asked, as casually as he could.

"Oh, it wouldn't petrify you, no. Acromantula venom is mighty powerful stuff, Harry. I suspect you'd die pretty quickly if you got bit."

"And how long do they usually live?"

"Well the oldest one I know is about 50 years old, he's got a few hundred kids now, too!" Hagrid said, the joy on his face apparent.

Ron simply let out a small whimper.

"Well I think we'd better head back to the castle, then. Thanks for all your help, Hagrid!" Harry said, getting up.

"You two aren't gonna stay for tea and cakes?" Hagrid asked, disappointed.

"We'll have to take a rain check Hagrid, we've got to get back soon, we can't be wandering the halls too late, you know."  
"Ah, I guess you're right, then, Harry. I hope you two can join me again."

"We'll try." Harry said pulling a still frightened Ron out the door.

When Ron regained his composure he said "Harry. There are HUNDREDS of deadly 15-foot spiders living next to the school. Why did you think it was a good idea for me to hear that?"

"Just look on the bright side, now whatever things Hermione has found for us can't possibly be as bad as this."

"What if Slytherin's monster is an acromantula and we have to kill it?" Ron asked, worried.

"Well if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that Slytherin's monster isn't an acromantula. Hagrid's friend in the forest is almost certainly the spider that was accused of being the monster which means that, if it were the killer, the chamber wasn't reopened because the spider lives in the forest. More importantly, acromantulas don't petrify, they kill and presumably eat their prey."

Just as they reached the library door Percy ran up to them.

"I found you! Where were you two? You need to get to the dormitories immediately. There's been another attack."

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A/N: I apologize for the inordinate amount of time it took to write this chapter. I hit a serious writer's block because I knew I had to get the actual plot going instead of just witty banter from Harry. I don't like this chapter as much as others I've written, either but it occurred to me after the 3rd rewrite that I should just get this out there so I can move on to other chapters. Harry's much more serious in this chapter than before and he'll be pretty serious in the next chapter, too, I think, but I think he'll be back to normal after that.

As always, I appreciate your reviews. Also, I'm thinking some people might prefer it if I put these author's note in my profile instead of in the story, let me know what you think about that. Also, this chapter's title was stolen from a song by OK Go.


	12. Obligatory Cliffhanger

When they entered the Gryffindor common room everyone went silent and simply stared at them.

"Don't worry, everyone, I'm perfectly safe." Harry said, followed by a half-hearted chuckle when everyone stayed silent.

Harry turned to look at Percy, who was biting his lip. "What exactly happened?" Harry asked, with a penetrating stare.

"The headmaster has told the prefects not-"

"It's Hermione," Ginny interrupted as she weaved through the crowd in the common room "people are saying she was petrified in the hallway outside the library along with Penelope Clearwater." She moved to hug Ron.

Harry noticed they both had tears on their faces, though Ginny didn't simply look sad, she looked exhausted. He supposed that he should be crying too, Hermione was his best friend, but he decided that a hero wouldn't cry, a hero would simply find and kill the monster. More importantly, he decided that no one, not even a centuries-old monster in a hidden chamber gets to attack his friends with impunity.

Harry gave Ginny and Ron a brief hug. "Ron, we need to finish this monster business up. Quickly."

"You think you two can really stop it?" Ginny asked.

"I know we can. We're almost there; we made a lot of progress tonight. I suspect we can make a little more, too. Come on, Ron."

The two of them made their way up to the dorm.

"I wanna see if I can get anything else out of our friend, Tom. Like the truth, for example." Harry said as they reached the door to the first-years' room. When they opened it they were presented with the sight of all of Harry's belongings tossed about on the floor.

"I think someone went through your stuff, mate." Ron observed.

"Yeah." Harry then turned and walked casually back down the stairs and across the common room to Percy.

"Percy?"

"Yes?"

"Did you or perhaps a teacher search my dorm, by chance?"

"No." Percy answered, eying Harry suspiciously. "Should we?"

"I don't think that's necessary. Did you see anything unusual happening in my dorm? Anyone there who shouldn't be, for example?"

"No, of course I haven't been watching all day. Is something wrong?"

"Yes." Harry answered, before walking back to the stairs, leaving Percy where he was standing, confused.

Ron had started collecting Harry's possessions for him.

"Was anything taken?" Harry asked.

"I don't think so. Your money is still here, so are your chocolate frog cards. The cloak and the map were still just sitting in the bottom of your trunk, too."

"That doesn't make any sense." Harry said as they closed the trunk, filled with his belongings once again.

"Maybe someone borrowed something and already put it back." Ron suggested.

"I don't think the kind of gentleman-thief that returns his plunder also makes this much mess."

"It could just be the twins up to the something. You know how they are."

"That is even less-likely. I don't think they're crazy enough to try pranking me twice in one day. We have more important problems, though. We've got to have a word with Tom!" Harry said as he hopped off the bed and crouched on the floor next to it.

"I think I know what was stolen." Harry said, removing his head from under the bed. "The diary."

"Who would steal that? Who would even know about it?"

Rather than answer, Harry walked backed down the stairs, this time followed by Ron.

"Percy, let's say that, hypothetically speaking, Dumbledore went through all the things in my room. Let us then say, hypothetically, that he told you not to tell me that he did this. If I then asked you if this happened what would you, hypothetically, tell me?"

"Well, if the headmaster told me not to tell anyone then I suppose I wouldn't tell you."

"I suspected that, so I'm going to ask you again. This time when you answer, try to keep in mind that lives hang on the line here, quite literally. In fact, I suspect one of them will have the last name Weasley, soon enough. Do you know who went through my stuff?"

Percy gave Ron a confused look that made the latter blush. "I honestly have no idea who went through your things, Harry."

Harry walked back up to his dorm, Ron in tow.

"Thanks a lot for that, mate."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Harry replied.

"Future sister-in-law?" Ron balked.

"Oh, well I was talking about Penelope, of course. I think Fred fancies her." To which Ron gave him a glare. "Who else could I have been talking about, really?" Harry said, grinning. This time Ron simply gave him a friendly shove.

"Oh, I'm sorry; did you not want me to save Hermione?" Harry asked.

"I just wish you could go about it without telling everyone I fancy her."

"I didn't tell anyone that, not exactly, anyway. We've got work to do, though." Harry said as he grabbed the map and cloak. "We need to get to the library and see what Hermione was looking at before she was petrified and if we don't hurry the librarian will beat us to it. Let's go." He draped the cloak over the two of them and they made their way to the library.

The halls were so empty it was a strange sight but that made it easy to move quickly. When they arrived in the library they were thankful to see that seemingly no one had been there since Hermione left. They walked over to the table; the two boys read the page that the open book was left on.

"This might be it: a basilisk. It's a snake and it says it can kill you with its venom or if you look it in the eyes. It doesn't say anything about petrification, though."

"Well those people in the hospital didn't all look right at the monster, did they?" Ron asked. "Colin was looking through his camera, wasn't he? And Mrs. Norris, she's a cat; maybe she just saw a reflection or maybe it just doesn't work as well on cats."

"You might be onto something there. And Justin, he was next to Nearly-Headless Nick, right? Maybe he was looking through the ghost, so he didn't see the full basilisk, either."

"But what about Hermione and Penelope, then?" Ron asked.

"Well we don't know much about how they were found, do we?"

"Well they're stuck in the hospital wing."

"Oh, yeah." Harry said, looking down. "If only we had some sort of powerful magical device that could allow us to move unseen through the halls of the school."

When they arrived in the hospital wing it wasn't hard to find Hermione and Penelope. They had been holding something in front of them when they were petrified and their arms remained sticking straight out.

"It's a little creepy, isn't it?" Ron asked as they approached Hermione.

"More than a little" Harry replied before rustling his hand around under the sheets on her bed.

"Uh, what are you-"

But before Ron could finish asking Harry's hand emerged with a note.

"Checking her pockets, let's see what she figured out."

Harry unfurled the notes Hermione had written:

Basilisk:

Snake

Makes sense as Slytherin's monster

Speaks Parseltongue - could explain the voices that only Harry could hear prior to the first attack

Kills anything that looks at it

Everyone petrified must have only seen it indirectly. Using a mirror to check hallways could prevent deaths!

Poison has only one known anti-dote: phoenix tears

"Want to take a guess at what she and Penelope must have been holding?" Harry asked.

"A mirror! I bet as soon as Hermione figured it out she told the first person she saw!"

"That sounds like her. I think she's probably right about the Parseltongue, too."

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Dumbledore announced at breakfast that Hermione and Penelope had been petrified. Harry found himself being offered sympathy by a number of girls who he suspected might be less than genuine, not that this sort of thing normally bothered him, but today felt different.

"Ladies," Harry began, addressing the line that had started to form at his table "I appreciate your concerns over Hermione, I assure you I'm alright and I'm confident that I'll have this whole 'Slytherin's Monster' business closed up within the week. Now, if you'd be so kind as to let me finish my breakfast I'd really appreciate it." With that, the line disappointedly disbursed.

Harry and Ron resumed eating in silence for a few minutes.

"What did I just do?" Harry finally spoke.

"How d'you mean?" Ron asked.

"There was a line of girls – for the large part attractive, I might add – and I just told them to go away."

"This isn't really my thing, mate, but have you considered that there are more important things on your mind? I mean, Hermione..." but Ron trailed off.

"I think that's what concerns me so much."

"Me too, mate, she's our best friend."

"No, I mean it concerns me that something concerns me more than the line of girls I just dismissed. Like some sort of meta-concern. What's the point of being a hero if you don't get to enjoy any of the benefits because you're too busy being a hero?"

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." Fred offered and he and George flanked Ron and Harry, taking a seat on either side of them.

"What's the point of having cake if you aren't going to eat it?" Ron asked.

"My thoughts exactly." Harry said, standing up.

"Ladies," he announced "I've got the monster thing under control now. Feel free to form another line to shower me with sympathy."

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"So you want to share how you suddenly got the basilisk 'under control' at breakfast?" Ron asked as they walked from lunch to Herbology.

"Well I didn't figure much out, just that we should probably figure out where the chamber is, and then we just have to bring a rooster down there to kill the thing, right? Hagrid's probably got those so we just need to know where the chamber is."

"Look at that!" Ron said, pointing towards Hagrid's hut.

"Yeah, that looks like a rooster."

"No, at Hagrid's door. That's Dumbledore and Fudge."

"The minister?"

"Yeah, I've seen him with dad."

"Sirius isn't a big fan of attending Ministry functions, I don't really know anyone."

"What d'you think they want with Hagrid?"

"If Fudge is half as incompetent as Sirius says I'd bet he still thinks Hagrid's acromantula is responsible for the attacks. But there's only one way to find out." Harry said with a grin as he removed the cloak from his bag.

As they crept up to a window they could hear Fudge.

"I'm sorry, Hagrid, but your record's against you. Last time this happened it ended with poor Myrtle getting killed. Four students have already been petrified, this needs to stop."

"I want it understood, Cornelius, that Hagrid has my full confidence" Dumbledore said with a fierce look in his eyes.

"I wouldn't doubt it but this sort of thing looks-"

But Fudge was interrupted by a knock at the door that startled Harry and Ron. Fudge opened it to reveal a man with long, blond hair.

"Malfoy's dad?" Ron asked. Harry nodded his agreement.

"Hello, Lucius." Fudge greeted him.

"Already here? Good. I'm afraid-"

"What're you doin' here?" Hagrid exclaimed "Get outta my house!"

"I assure you that I no more want to be in this house than you do but, alas, this is where Dumbledore is. As I was saying, I'm afraid I have some terrible news, simply dreadful, really." Malfoy said as he handed Dumbledore some parchment. "The governors have voted and we think it's time for you to step aside."

"You can't take Dumbledore!" Hagrid shouted.

As the men carried on inside Harry motioned to the rooster pen in Hagrid's garden and the two walked over to it.

"D'you reckon it's normal for a chicken coop to have this much blood in it?" Ron whispered.

"No." Harry replied, taking care not to let the cloak snag as they entered the coup.

"So how are we gonna sneak a rooster into Herbology?"

"The same way we saved Lockhart from the pixies." Harry said, casting a freezing charm on the rooster and tucking it under the cloak with them.

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After Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry and Ron returned to the common room.

"We need to figure out where the chamber is."

"Preferably before dinner, I think it's roast beef tonight."

"Well where can you hide a secret chamber?"

"Somewhere secret?"

"That doesn't help. Maybe we should just not think about it and then, throughout the course of our normal conversations you'll say something that makes me stumble upon a sudden realization as the where the chamber must be."

"Alright, so where do you think they're taking Hagrid?"

"Azkaban, probably."

"You really think so?"

"They never even realized that acromantulas couldn't cause what's been happening. I don't think they make the most rational decisions."

"Hmm." Ron said, grimly. They were silent for a while when Harry noticed Ron staring at Percy.

"Does Percy seem a little less, uh, like Percy, to you?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I was thinking he just found out about Dumbledore or something."

"I don't think that's it. He's been off since the... since the other night." Harry said, deciding not to drop Hermione's name around Ron just yet.

"He has been quite the Moaning Myrtle lately, since... you know. Hasn't he?" Ron replied.

"Wait, Moaning Myrtle is a real person." Harry said, suddenly looking brighter.

"Well, she's a ghost, she's dead."

"Right, but she was a real person, probably a Hogwarts student."

"Yeah, I reckon that makes sense. She's around our age, or was when she died, I mean."

"Well what killed her?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about it."

"I think we heard this afternoon. Fudge said that Hagrid's record was against him and that last time the chamber was opened someone named Myrtle was killed."

"I remember that! But what does that have to do with anything?" Ron asked.

"Where did we find Tom Riddle's diary?" Harry asked, visibly becoming more excited.

"Myrtle's bathroom!"

"And what about the night the chamber was first opened, where did all the water in the hallway come from?"

"Myrtle's bathroom!"

"Exactly. No one uses that bathroom because she's there. That means no one would notice someone disappearing into it to open, say - a secret chamber"

"So now what do we do? Tell Dumbledore?" Ron asked.

"We can't, don't you remember Malfoy saw fit to get rid of him? Besides, we already did the hard part, why don't we just march down there with the rooster and save the day? Easy."

"Fine."

They walked through the halls with the still-frozen rooster in Harry's knapsack. As they neared the staff room, however, they noticed an unusual number of professors heading for it at the same time as McGonagall was telling the Ravenclaw prefect to send everyone to their common rooms.

"I think we should make a quick detour." Harry said, pulling Ron into a corner, throwing the cloak over both of them. They were able to get in the room when Professor Flitwick held the door for Professor Sprout. They then moved to a corner in the back as the meeting began.

"I'm afraid I have some terrible news." McGonagall started.

"We've already heard about Dumbledore." Professor Trelawney said.

"I'm afraid it's something graver, still. There's been another attack. This time with a message that the student taken into the chamber will remain there forever."

"Oh, my. Who is it?" Madam Hooch asked.

"Ginny Weasley."

Ron fainted at this and Harry had to crouch to the floor with him to keep the cloak over him. Just then, though, Lockhart walked in.

"Sorry I'm late, what've I missed?"

"Ahh, just the man we need." Snape said. "A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. She was taken into the chamber."

Lockhart went pale.

"Yes, weren't you just telling me you knew where the chamber was?" Flitwick asked.

"Uh, well..."

"Your moment has come at last, Gilderoy; you've got your shot at the monster!" Snape said.

"Right, well, I'll attend to this at once!" Lockhart said, doing his best to cover his obvious fear as he practically ran out of the room.

Harry, in utter disbelief that anyone would trust Lockhart with anything just sat for a moment, considering his options. He decided that the best course of action was to leave the now-fainted Ron behind. He tried to position Ron's body as inconspicuously as possible in the corner before moving swiftly to the door Lockhart had left open.

Harry practically ran to Lockhart's office. When he arrived he saw Lockhart inside, frantically packing a bag. Harry removed the cloak.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, calmly.

"Uh, well..."

"Because I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be rescuing my best friend's sister."

"Right, well, about that..."

"Don't worry; I don't think anyone expected you to actually succeed. Have you even read your own books? Who believes that dribble?"

Lockhart's brain seemed to finally be able to process what it was confronted with and decided the best course of action was to draw his wand.

In one swift motion Lockhart drew his wand and cast a memory charm at Harry.

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A/N: Oh. My. God. Such a cliffhanger. Did Harry Potter just have his whole memory wiped out? Will he live out the rest of his days in the Janus Thickey Ward for permanent spell damage? Will I have to copy the plot of The Notebook and have Ginny read a diary to Harry in a hospital bed? Did I just admit to knowing the plot of the The Notebook?

All these questions and more will be answered in chapter 13!

Most importantly there is a new poll on my profile. Basically since Sirius can't escape from Azkaban 3rd year I want to know what you all think about what should happen it's stead. If you review feel free to explain your answer.


	13. Lycanthrope

A/N: When we last left our heroes, Ron was passed out in the corner of the staff room and Hermione was, of course, still petrified in the hospital wing, leaving poor Harry all alone. What's more, Lockhart just pulled a wand on him and cast a powerful memory charm!

As an aside, you might wonder why there was no conversation where our antagonist (Lockhart, at the moment) casually reveals all his evil plans (that he didn't do anything he wrote about) to our protagonist. That's intentional, because when would that ever happen in real life? You're probably thinking "But Logan, when would there be wizards and magic in real life?" To which I say "SHUT UP AND LET ME WRITE MY STORY."

Also, a couple chapters ago I asked if you guys would rather these notes be put in my profile instead of the story. The only person that expressed an opinion said to keep them in the story. Look what you've made me do!

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Harry, caught off guard for once, let his instincts kick in. Those instincts seemed to think that all this business with wands and magic were just silly, though. Instead he tried to use his knapsack as a shield.

There was a loud crack, a squawk, and finally a scream.

Harry slowly peeked over his bag to see Lockhart laying flat on the ground before him.

_He's still breathing. Unfortunately. _Harry thought, assessing the situation. He then examined his bag, which now had a slightly charred hole in it. Harry reached his hand through the hole and felt the feathers of a very much _un_frozen rooster. So much so that the rooster was, in fact, dead, Harry surmised as he pulled its body out of his bag and lay him on the floor.

"Oh, hello, there. Who are you? And why've you got a dead chicken?" Lockhart asked, cheerily. Harry was startled.

"Rooster."

"Your name is Rooster? Well mine is... actually, come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure _what_ mine is, really."

"No. It's not a chicken, it's a rooster. My name is Harry. Your name is Lockhart."

"Oh, that makes more sense, Rooster isn't a very good name. Why've you got a dead rooster, then?"

"Because you killed it."

"I'm terribly sorry. Why'd I do that?"

"I suspect you were trying to wipe my memory. You told everyone you were going to stop Slytherin's monster but then decided to run away instead."

"Kill a monster? That hardly sounds like me."

"That's what I've been trying to tell Hermione and Mrs. Weasley all year."

"Who are they?"

"I really don't have time to explain. I've got to kill a basilisk and you just killed the only rooster on campus."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'll leave you to it, then. Best of luck with your basilisk!" With that Lockhart attempted to start a conversation with a nearby suit of armor.

Harry left his bag behind, taking only his wand and his cloak to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"Are you here, Myrtle?" Harry asked. She popped up from a stall.

"Yes." She said, batting her eyes "It's so nice to see you again, Harry."

"It's good to see you, too. Unfortunately I'm in a bit of a rush, so sorry if I sound a bit rude but there's no gentle way to put this. I need to know how you died, Myrtle."

"Ooooh, it was deadful. I was in this very stall crying when I heard someone come into the bathroom. They walked over to the sinks and started sort of hissing at them. It must have been another language. It was a boy, though, so I opened the door to tell him to get out of the girls' room and then -" Myrtle beamed, evidently proud "I died."

"That's it? You didn't see who did it? There was no sound?"

"Well I remember a pair of big, yellow eyes, then it was over."

"Snake eyes, perhaps?" Harry asked.

"That would work."

"You saw a basilisk, Slytherin's monster."

"Really?" Myrtle asked, excited.

"Really. And I suspect the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is somewhere in this bathroom. You haven't seen a redheaded first year in here today, have you?"

"Well I heard someone come in earlier, I was in a stall crying so I didn't see them but they made those hissing sounds like I heard before I died."

"Where did they do that?"

"By the sinks, I think."

"And you're sure it was just one person? Not two?"

"Positive."

Harry started investigating the sinks, they all appeared pretty much the same so he turned them each on, one-by-one until he got to the last one – it didn't work. He investigated further and found a small snake etched into the faucet.

_This is it._ He thought. "Open." He then said aloud.

"I think you might need to hiss at it." Myrtle suggested.

Harry focused harder on the image of the snake and tried again and this time the sink disappeared into the ground and a large pipe was revealed.

"Be seeing you." He said, tipping his head to Myrtle and jumping down the pipe. After a long slide he arrived at the dark, damp bottom.

_This is a really elaborate set of pipes. Considering they don't seem to be used for anything other than housing a deadly monster you'd think the people building them would have been more suspicious. _Harry thought as he brushed himself off and used his wand to light the way. Not much further into the tunnel he saw something unfortunately basilisk-shaped laying across the tunnel. It didn't move.

_Good, maybe it's asleep. I'm sure all the pillaging and terrorizing gets exhausting._

Upon further examination this was only the skin, though.

_Oh, it's only twenty or thirty feet, this should be no big deal. I'll just grab that rooster I carefully stole and then hid all day for this exact purpose. Oh, wait. Lockhart _killed_ it._

Harry continued down the tunnel until he finally arrived at a wall with two serpents carved upon it.

"Open." He said in Parseltongue. The wall opened into two halves and Harry walked casually inside. Once there he was greeted by a chamber that looked just how an evil serpent-themed lair should. Because the chamber was lit and Harry wasn't _actually_ suicidal he de-lumosed his wand. He walked further into the chamber until he saw a giant statue of a wizard he presumed to be Slytherin.

_I can't really fault the guy, I plan to make a giant statue of myself inside _my_ evil lair._

In between the feet of the statue he saw what he had come for. Ginny Weasley, laying motionless on the ground.

_Well that was pretty easy, all things considered._ He thought, crouching down to check her vitals. She was pale and cold, her eyes closed. Harry couldn't make out a pulse but, then again, he was no healer.

_Well, she's not petrified, so I guess that's good. Unless she's dead, then that's probably bad._

"Hey Ginny, it's Harry, do you think you could wake up? I'm in a bit of a rush." He said, giving her a gentle slap on the face, to no avail.

"She won't wake." a voice said behind him.

Harry looked over his shoulder and saw the voice belonged to who he thought: Tom Riddle. He turned around and stood up.

"Why's that, Tom?"

"Well, she's still alive, but only just." Riddle replied from the pillar he was leaned casually against.

Harry weighed his options and decided that there wasn't much he could do about Ginny immediately, so he decided to talk with Tom a little more.

"So what are you exactly? A ghost?"

"A memory. Preserved for fifty years by a diary." Riddle said, pointing to the diary laying at the foot of the statue.

"Curious." Harry said, taking a moment to ponder. "So, want to help me get Ginny here back to the school to see if Madam Pomfrey can help her?" Harry had a sneaking suspicion he didn't, but figured it'd be fun to ask.

"I've waited a long time for the chance to see you, Harry Potter." Riddle started.

"So is that a no, or..."

"We're going to talk now."

"Alright. How did Ginny get like this? And why?" Harry asked.

"Good question. It's a long story but I suppose the real reason is because she spilled all the secrets of her heart to me: an invisible stranger."

"So I take it she's the one that had the diary before me?"

"And after, yes. She's been writing in it all year about all her petty worries. Months of 'Oh, I had to buy secondhand robes, it's so embarrassing.' and 'I don't even think the famous Harry Potter knows I exist.' Pathetic, really, and boring. But I was patient, I wrote back, I gave her my sympathy." Riddle went on. "And she gave me her soul."

"How oddly literal." Harry mused.

"And so I grew more powerful. Powerful enough to start pouring some of my soul into her."

"I know you're technically 16 but you're really like 50 so don't you think that's just a little bit-"

"Haven't you figured it out, yet, Potter?" Riddle interjected impatiently. "Ginny is the one that set the basilisk loose on the four Mudbloods-"

"That would make sense given her history of blood-purism. I guess it explains all those slurs she used to talk about Hermione, too."

"Ginny Weasley" Riddle continued, growing more impatient with Harry "Is the one who opened the chamber, who killed the Squib's cat, who strangled all the school's roosters."

"Well, not all of them. Lockhart did kill one, you've got to give him credit for that."

"She didn't know she was doing it at first, it was actually amusing. 'Dear Tom, I woke up covered in rooster blood and feathers. I think I'm losing my memory. Also, that Harry Potter is so cute. _Swoon._'" He said using his best Ginny voice.

Harry actually thought that was a little amusing. Not so much the attacking people with deadly snakes part, that was a little messed up, but this guy who is some sort of supervillian, just tried to talk like an 11-year-old girl. Oh, and he said 'swoon.'

"It took Ginny a long time to distrust me." He went on. "She tried to dispose of me, but then you found me. How lucky! Of all the people who could have found it you picked it up: the person I most wanted to talk to."

"I get that a lot."

"She told me so much about you." Riddle said, eyes lingering on Harry's forehead. "I knew I had to gain your trust, so I showed you my famous capture of Hagrid, saving Hogwarts."

"Wow, you sure fooled me." Harry said in thick monotone.

"I fooled Headmaster Dippet, too." Riddle went on, missing Harry's sarcasm. "In fact, the only person who seemed to think Hagrid was innocent was Dumbledore, the transfiguration teacher. He never seemed to like me as much as the other teachers did..."

"Probably because you're some sort of evil supervillain."

"Well he did stay a little too close for comfort after that. He was suspicious. It made it unsafe to open the chamber any more. That's why I made the diary so that I could lead someone else to continue Slytherin's work in my stead."

"That seems like a pretty elaborate scheme. You had to preserve your memory in a diary – that cant' be a very common spell – and then you just had to hope that it was found by a student. If an adult found it they probably wouldn't even be at the school to open it. Then you'd have to hope that the student who found it wasn't a mudblood, just because that would be too ironic. After all that you could still get stuck with someone like Neville trying to do your work for you and have it all fall apart. The fact that you got this far doesn't prove that you're some sort of magical genius, it just means you got really, really lucky."

"You can think what you like, but I still got you here, didn't I? What more could I ask for."

"Bacon. You could ask for bacon. It makes everything taste better."

"How did you defeat Voldemort? A baby with no extraordinary powers-"

"Hold on a minute, now" Harry interrupted

"-escaped with nothing but a scar while Lort Voldemort's powers were destroyed?"

"Why do you even care about Voldemort? He came about long after you."

"Harry, I am Lord Voldemort. The most powerful wizard in the world." Tom said, tracing out his word and rearranging them to Tom Marvolo Riddle.

"That's a neat trick, you'll have to show me that one. Seriously, though, you're Lord Voldemort?"

"Yes."

"Merlin. You probably couldn't kill me because you though of a plan as contrived and silly as the one you used with the diary. I'm getting tired of killing you, though. I had to do it last year, too. This is just getting redundant. You aren't even the most powerful wizard, either. That's Dumbledore."

"If that's so then how is it that the mere memory of me could drive him from Hogwarts?"

"Dumbledore only left the school because he allowed himself to be. You drove him from nowhere."

Eerie music started sounding inside the chamber, it startled Tom. It grew louder and louder, finally reaching its crescendo as a large flaming bird appeared on top of a pillar. It dove to Harry, dropping the ragged sorting hat at his feet.

Riddle started laughing. "That's what you get? A phoenix and a hat? That's great. To business, then. Tell me everything you know about the last two times we met. The longer you talk the longer I allow you to live."

"But that would be telling." Harry replied. Riddle looked at him shrewdly then started speaking in Parseltongue to the statue of Slytherin. Harry slammed the hat over his head.

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Though Dumbledore had technically been removed as headmaster it hadn't stopped him from continuing to do his job as best he could from outside the school. Today his job entailed travel out of the country and so he had brought Fawkes with him which is why he found it very usual that the bird had disappeared from his shoulder. When he didn't return several minutes later he grew more more concerned.

"I'm terribly sorry to cut our meeting short but I think I may be needed back in country." Dumbledore said sincerely to the man he was having tea with.

"I understand." The man replied. "We can reschedule."

"I don't think that will be necessary, at least not if you'd like to accompany me."

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_Come on, hat. Got any ideas on how to kill a basilisk? I'd even settle for an idea on how to kill a memory, Tom is really starting to get on my nerves._ Harry thought to the hat. It didn't talk back but sort of contracted and then spat out a sword onto his head. It hit fairly hard, as swords dropped on heads so often do. Harry fell back from the pain and laid on the ground, trying to reorient himself. He could hear the snake approaching the chamber and he heard Fawkes take flight.

Harry hadn't really thought about the phoenix until it was leaving but he decided he really would prefer it if he stayed. Especially when Tom gave the "Kill Him" command to the snake and let out an evil laugh. But then he heard the phoenix emit a loud shriek. As interesting as it sounded, he decided to keep his eyes closed a short while longer. He heard another shriek and then Tom again.

"No! Leave the bird, kill the boy! You can still smell him!"

That sounded promising so harry opened his eyes to see that Fawkes had managed to blind the snake, which was really fortunate considering Harry had just looked at its eyes to check. Harry grabbed the sword the hat had given him and stood up.

_I told Sirius that I needed sword-fighting lessons and yet he insisted that I would never need to know that!_

Harry decided to see if his vast knowledge of second-year spells could do anything but they just seemed to bounce off the creature's skin. Having to run from a big, blind, angry snake didn't make focusing on the spells very easy, either.

_So the sword it is, then. Since Tom controls the snake, let's try killing him first, then, shall we? _Harry ran around the perimeter of the chamber slaloming between the columns in an effort to confuse the blind snake. As he neared Tom he seemed surprisingly unfazed, Harry thought. In fact, the closer he got the more he thought this might be a bad idea. As he closed the last bit of distance he lunged at Tom with the sword but passed right through him, falling on the floor from his lost balance.

Tom was laughing. "You thought you could _stab_ me?"

"Well you aren't a ghost. I don't write the rules for this stuff. How am I supposed to know you can't stab a memory?"

Tom just laughed some more. Harry lay looking up at him deciding that the laughs were definitely growing more malevolent. Then he noticed why: the basilisk had caught up. Harry scrambled to get away as the basilisk made a blind jab at him, narrowly missing. As it recoiled for another attack Harry decided he couldn't outrun it at this range – he had to fight.

The basilisk moved to strike again. Harry rolled to the side and jabbed the sword forward. It punctured the roof the snakes mouth and exited the rear of its head. Before he had time to admire his work, however, Harry felt a burning pain in his shoulder. The basilisk had landed a fang in him before its lifeless head rolled away. Harry yanked the fang out but it did little to ease the pain.

"You're dead, now, Potter." Tom said, as Fawkes flew down to Harry's side.

"You were fantastic, Fawkes. Brilliant, really..." Harry said to the bird, stroking its feathers. The phoenix lay his head on the spot the fang had been and slowly began to cry. Then Harry remembered something else he'd read about basilisks.

"Even the bird knows it. You see that, Potter? He's crying." Tom scoffed.

"Yeah, you really got me this time." Harry said, patronizingly.

"I'm going to sit here and watch you die. Take your time, I'm in no hurry." Riddle said.

"That's touching. Thanks, Tom. It means so much to me." Harry could feel his pain slowly ease and his wound healing before his very eyes.

"So ends the famous Harry Potter. Alone in the Chamber of Secrets. Forsaken by his friends, defeated at last by the Dark Lord."

"Well I'm not so alone, am I? You just promised me you'd sit here and watch me die. By definition that means I'm not alone."

"It's a matter of speech. I meant that no one who cares about you will be here."

"But you were just saying how I was the one person you wanted to talk to most. If that's true then how could you not care about me?" Harry asked. He checked and his wound had completely disappeared now.

"Will you just die already?" Riddle asked, annoyed.

"Why? You just said you were in no hurry. I was going to lie here for another 70 or 80 years. I guess we can move along, though, if you're growing impatient, though." Harry said as he stood up, grabbing the fang he'd removed.

"Wh-what? What's happening?" Riddle said, slowly backing away.

"Phoenix tears."

"Healing powers! How could I forget?"

Harry had stabbed the basilisk and attempted to stab Tom. He decided the only thing left to try was the diary so he made a dive for it and stabbed it with the fang. Ink bled out of the diary and Riddle gave a piercing scream as a black whole burned through both him and the diary until he had totally disappeared. Harry lay on the floor for a moment to think, his head was spinning. His thoughts were interrupted by faint moan. Then he remembered he wasn't actually alone in the chamber, there was still a person to save, so he ran over to Ginny who had just managed to sit up. She looked at the dead basilisk, then at Harry, and then to the diary in his hand. Ginny gave Harry a hug and started sobbing.

"Oh, Harry I t-tried to t-tell you. It was me. B-but I s-swear I d-didn't mean to. The d-diary m-made me do it."

"I know, he and I had a nice talk."

"W-where is he? How did you kill that.. thing?"

"Oh, that was the best part, you missed it. I killed the basilisk with a sword, it was immense. And Riddle, he's dead. Turns out you can't stab a memory with a sword so I stabbed the diary instead." Harry held up the burned book for her to see. "I should probably get the sword back, too." He said as he walked over to the dead basilisk's head and removed the sword.

"I can't believe you went through all that for me." Ginny said, looking at the basilisk as she walked over to him.

"It wasn't that bad, really." Harry said, modestly as Ginny drew nearer. She hesitated for a moment and then moved in and kissed him on the lips.

This was the first time a kiss had ever surprised Harry, so he just stood there until Ginny pulled away.

"Oh." She said, softly.

"Yeah."

"So all this... you just did that as a friend?"

"Yeah, more or less. I mean, I appreciate that, and all but, I don't think you and I would work, not like that."

"Oh."

"I mean, you're my best friend's sister and - don't take this the wrong way - I am sort of out of your league."

Ginny just looked at the floor.

_That probably wasn't the smartest thing to say. In fact, I'm not actually sure there _is_ a right way to take that. _Harry realized as he looked at Ginny.

"Oh, and I have a tendency to not be the best boyfriend, so you shouldn't even want to my girlfriend, really."

"You can stop talking, I get it." Ginny said quietly.

"Right. So, I'm going to see if I can find us an exit." He said after a long silence and walked over to pick up the sorting hat. When he did so he looked down the entry hall and saw Dumbledore leading a pack of teachers, wands drawn, in his direction.

"Don't worry, everyone, I'm OK." Harry shouted out to them.

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A/N: So I almost wrote this entire chapter in one setting, that's sort of new. Hopefully you've enjoyed this sudden burst of new writing. This chapter shares a title with a +44 song whose lyrics I felt were fitting with this chapter. There also might be another reason I picked that title but I suspect it will take a Ravenclaw to figure that out.

On a _totally_ unrelated note, 10 house points to whoever correctly guesses the unnamed man Dumbledore met with. I think I might have just made that a little too obvious, though.

By the way, there's a poll pertaining to 3rd year plot in my profile. You can vote in it if you'd like.

Lastly, I enjoy your reviews, if you enjoy my replies to your reviews you should make sure your account has private messages enabled. Unless you don't like replies. Then you should disable private messages.


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